A Stroll Down the Alley
by Ita-Neo
Summary: Once upon a time, a high school student lived in Ikebukuro. That wouldn't be too bad if it didn't happen to include lunatic humanitarians, online gangs, and killer websites. IzayaXOC
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Yeah. It's my first Durarara! fanfiction. Um, I'm not sure if it's any good or not, but I hope you enjoy. And Ephemeral Muse, thanks for beta reading, and getting rid of all the nasty grammar mistakes. I guess the story's a mix between serious and crack and just normal comedy. It WAS goign to be all serious, but then it started edging away and it turned all....cracky again. You can kind of tell since the beginning is semi serious and later...well, yeah.

**Disclaimer:** I own Kanae. Nobody else. I would LOVE to own Izaya and Shizuo though, but who wouldn't?

**Warning:** There's some pretty foul language. But I think that's it.

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A Stroll Down the Alley

**Chapter 1**

Right before sleeping each and every night, Kanae always made sure her alarm clock had working batteries in it and was set exactly at five o'clock.

As of now, it was spring break--the typical student's period of freedom before the transition into the higher grade. There was only a week of break left, but....

...Kanae didn't like staying in her house for too long when her parents were around. Or awake. Or in any position to make verbal contact with her-

"Going out already, dear?"

Yeah. Like that.

Kanae flinched, and shot a flat glance behind her shoulder. Her mother was standing at the doorway, messily clad in a hot pink bathrobe that condemned an early death to Kanae's eyes. "...g'morning." She was up early today. Too early. Why was she up so early? Her mother never got up this early. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Her mother smiled tiredly, gesturing to the small pills and glass of water in her hands. "Headache. I thought I'd get some painkillers to ease it down." Her focus trailed over to waist bag loosely hanging from Kanae's waist. Kanae always brought it with her when going out; it had many essential things, from her wallet to bandages to her favorite, razor sharp pair of scissors/ killing weapon masquerading as a mechanism of self defense. Because pepper spray is too wimpy for Kanae's taste.

"It's barely light outside. Maybe you should stop going out at this time. It'll be lighter quite soon."

Kanae looked down at her feet, absentmindedly straightening them to parallel perfection. "I...always go out at this time." She mumbled under her breath, and she sensed her mother faltering. It was what she needed. She stalked off.

"...be carefu-" Her mom began. Kanae slammed the door shut.

It wasn't that Kanae was on bad terms with her parents. As far as she was concerned, they had no terms. It was a simple system, really. Kanae got her share of food and shelter to keep herself alive, her mother could live life without worrying about suffering moral deprivation brought by the neglecting of parental obligation, and her father-some fancy shit politician-had something to vouch for his family friendly image even though in stark reality they weren't nearly a family as much as a miscellaneous bundle of blood related people with mutually beneficial but otherwise distant acquaintances among each other.

Not that Kanae complained. The few interactions she did have with her parents were far and few and utterly awkward, the previous encounter with her mother being a prime example. She could easily live life without them.

The sun was barely peaking over the horizons of the skyscrapers lining the streets of Ikebukuro, and the air was cold. Kanae could see her breath.

She walked through streets already crowded with multitudes of people despite the early hour. Kanae really had nowhere to go, or, at least nowhere she wanted to go. She honestly didn't WANT to step out into the public world. She had things to do back home that required the utmost level of privacy. In other words, when her parents were freaking GONE. In other words, not now.

Kanae absentmindedly watched as a street performer juggled an assortment of items, from cats to watermelons to oranges pierced on the tips of katanas. Surrounding him, wide eyed crowds eagerly followed his every move.

Kanae felt her hands growing frigid, and stuffed them in her hands before walking on.

She didn't like them. People, that is. At first, Kanae thought it very hypocritical of herself, but then she realized that she didn't like herself very much either, so it was probably okay.

They were just so....not pathetic, not stupid...just so...boring. They followed the same human principles of life. They were shallow, and careless, and selfish. Not that she was that big on morals. She wouldn't mind if they, you know, did something INTERESTING to satisfy said selfishness. Beyond cheating on tests and stealing shoes. They could be a little more imaginative, like devising some crackpot plan to steal the answers to the university entrance exams, or obtaining a hydrogen bomb and blowing it up somewhere.

Yeah....

No. Most people stuck with the test cheating and shoe stealing, unfortunately. Occasionally there'd be a fight or two, but that's it.

In fact, Kanae was just currently brooding over said test cheating and shoe stealing as being the extent of human selfishness' imagination-

-when a vending machine came hurling midair and Kanae barely had time to register the image of the massive flying object before it crashed straight into her.

"IZAAAYAAAAAAA!" An enraged screech echoed from down the street. Kanae looked up to see a man dressed in a furry coat darting through a horrified crowd, followed by another wearing a bartender suit and wielding a traffic light pole. "LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO LET YOU RUN AWAY, YOU BASTARD!" The latter yelled, waving around the pole in emphasis. He threw the thing at the first person, who ducked with remarkable ease.

"Now, now, Shizu-chan." Furry Coat's voice was so decidedly taunting that "Shizu-chan" seized another nearby sign and lobbied it at him. "You shouldn't be so mindlessly violent. And you always wonder how I could frame you so easily too. Quite frankly, your reputation did more of the job than I did anyways, so the only person at fault is yo-"

"GO DIE IN A HOLE!" Shizu-chan san picked up a car, much to Kanae's reaction-less amusement. Speaking of herself, she wasn't feeling very well; a little dizzy, in fact, since blood was leaking out of her head like a broken faucet.

Bartender threw the car, and Coats cheerfully ran past her and swerved the corner, vanishing.

Kanae was hit by the car.

Pretty much the last thing she heard before fainting in an excessively womanly manner was something like: "Oh my, Shizu chan. You hurt a poor little child. Shame on you!" Followed by a rather delighted laugh.

Yeah. Time for blacking out.

****

"You could at least try picking up something that's NOT over five tons. I'm amazed that she's not dead. Though I think she might have a scar or two."

An awkward silence. A quiet voice muttered "Sorry." And then. "At least you can't see the scars unless she shaves her head."

"Don't say that to me. Say that to the poor girl once she wakes up. Though I highly doubt she'll be doing so anytime soon, considering the beating she took. Maybe we should get Shinra. And please don't beat HIM up either. If we have to send either of them to the hospital, we'll get into a bunch of paperwork crap."

The other voice sounded just mildly offended. "I won't beat him up-"

Kanae suddenly sat up straight, causing the two men next to her to lurch back in surprise. She blinked. Her vision was a bit blurry, and she had a tremendous headache going on and about. She felt bandages on her head.

The initial speaker, a bespectacled man with dreadlocks, sighed. "Never mind. Er...you alright, Miss?"

Kanae gingerly felt the bandages on her head. They were messily wrapped, and much too tight for comfort. She guessed that either of the two men, both not very doctor-like looking, must have done it. She reluctantly nodded.

Spectacles nudged his companion and said under his breath. "Apologize to her already, Shizuo."

Shizuo stiffened visibly. Kanae recognized him. He was the traffic pole-wielding bartender from before. He shuffled nervously for a moment before mumbling a quiet "sorry". Then. "You can't see the scars unless you shave your hair off."

Spectacles groaned. "I didn't really mean to say THAT part. Er....he's just embarrassed." He quickly said to Kanae. "He really means it....um...." He gestured to their surroundings, a modest little living room with assortments of things messily compiled through. "You're at my place. We wanted to take you to a hospital at first, but it would've been a little inconvenient, so we dragged you back here."

Kanae stared.

Spectacles coughed nervously, obviously perturbed by her lack of response. "Er, yeah. It's getting close to noon. Shizuo'll treat you for lunch, to make up for-" He ignored the protesting glare Shizuo shot him. "...for how he sort of knocked you out like that. You should still see a doctor after this though."

Kanae stared. And contemplated the matter.

More silence. Spectacles ventured a question. "Um, are you mute by any chance?"

"Yes." Was the deadpan reply.

"Wha....oh, Oh. That was sarcasm...right..." Spectacles sighed again, before glancing at Shizuo. "I think you two will get along well. Why don't you take the kid out for something right now? I have one last job to finish up. It'll take a while."

Looking slightly disgruntled, Shizuo relented. "You like sushi?"

Kanae shook her head.

Shizuo snorted, and lit a cigarette. "That was a rhetorical question."

She looked up at him, and realized that he was very tall. The tip of her head didn't even make it to his shoulder, and she decided to ignore the fact that her shoes added an extra inch to her height. Feeling slightly perturbed, Kanae sadly looked back down.

Shizuo blew a stream of smoke into her face. "In other words, sucks to be you. Your opinion doesn't count. We're getting sushi."

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Kanae had always passed by Russia Sushi before--everyday during school time, because she always went past it while walking to and fro to her school. There was always a tall, black Russian advertising outside, effectively chasing away potential customers with his imposing physique and horribly accented Japanese. Of course, there was also the matter of the contents of his propaganda, which tended to include "Just try it once! You won't die!" and "We don't poison our food!" and "There's absolutely no human flesh mixed inside! It's all fish, even on 50 percent day!" as well as other phrases of that nature.

She didn't think that the place would attract any customers, let alone regulars. So when she followed Shizuo (their conversation up to then can be summarized into "......."), she was surprised when he walked up the sushi tout and waved.

"Yo, Simon." She noticed that his voice was gentler and very different from earlier, when he had been screaming with such diverse profanity , he could probably make an entire language out of it. "Fucking son of a bitch" could replace "the", since he said it so often.

The Russian identified as "Simon" grinned cordially. "Hello, Shizuo." His accent was terrible. He placed the emphasis on all the wrong syllables and his tone rose and fell with ill timing. "Would you like to eat sushi today? Sushi is good. It's healthy too."

"Yeah...I don't think my health's that big an issue." Shizuo said. "But I'll take up your offer on the sushi today. Say, where's that little brat anyways-" He turned and confirmed that Kanae was still gloomily stalking him, still looking down at the ground and almost running into a mailbox. "There she is. Yeah, I sort of nailed her on the head a few times this morning. Tom-san told me to go get her some lunch, so I chose sushi."

"Ah, excellent choice." Simon turned and smiled widely at Kanae, who stuck to her usual routine and stared back flatly.

Shizuo gave her a gentle push towards the shop entrance. "She's pretty depressing, so she doesn't talk much."

He was wrong. She didn't talk at all.

There was a fair number of people inside. Another man in spectacles, this one dressed in a lab coat, waved from a corner booth, causing Shizuo grimaced in exasperation when he saw him. "Hello, Shizuo-kun."

"Don't you have work or something?" Shizuo grumbled, nevertheless walking over and sitting down in the seat across from the doctor/scientist. Kanae unwillingly followed, eying the giant squid decoration dangling from the center of the wall.

The only reason why the scientist's smile wasn't as wide as Simon's was that his face was too small. Either way, its width was large and disturbingly natural. Kanae pitied the man's facial muscles. "Ah, is she your girlfriend, Shizuo-kun?"

"Don't peg me as a pedophile." Shizuo snapped, whacking him with a menu. He suddenly remembered his manners. "Oh yeah, this guy's Shinra. He's a freak, so don't pay any attention to the shit he says. Shinra, this is...er..." He looked askew at Kanae for assistance. When she offered none, he took the liberty to continue. "Just call her brat #1."

Pause. "Brat #1 it is." Shinra smiled. "Suits her."

Kanae shot them both one hell of a death glare. However, they were completely unaffected, and she deflated like a balloon. "...K...Kana...e."

"Right. What she said." Shizuo tossed the menu at her. "Get whatever you want. Shinra'll pay."

"Yeah, sure I-hey! That's not fair, Shizuo-kun!" Shinra protested. "I paid for your lunch last time too! In fact, now that I think of it, you NEVER pay for your own food when I'm around. You always tell me that you'll let me give you a blood test in exchange, but you never do! So if I add it all up, you owe me approximately three hundred and forty two blood tests! "

Shizuo shrugged, already calling over to the chef for some tuna sashimi. "Too bad then. I was thinking about giving you that today."

"R-really?!" Shinra's eyes widened like a child's behind his glasses. It fit him, considering how he seemed to have the intellectual level of a child as well. "Ooh! Chef! Give us a bit of everything you've got!" In other words, for a doctor, the guy most definitely had shit for brains. Or maybe he just didn't learn well from experiences. Kanae knew those types of people; ninety nine percent of their knowledge was derived from book. The last percent was from common sense.

In any case, this sort of ruined the point of Shizuo himself making reparations. Kanae eyed him skeptically as piles of sushi were placed neatly on their table, quickly filling the space up. Catching her look, Shizuo sheepishly turned to his food. "What? I got you free sushi, right?" Across from him, Shinra was laughing to himself happily, fidgeting so often in excitement that Kanae threw a plate of ootoro at him.

"You don't like ootoro, do you?"

Kanae shook her head.

"A reaction!" Shinra crowed, and earned another platter to the face. That didn't stop him. "So how old are you, Kanae chan?"

She used fingers. 17.

"You go to Raira?"

Nod.

"That's great. Me and Shizuo went there for high school too, you know. We were even in the same class for a year." A silly smile spread across Shinra's face as he recollected the happy memories of back then. He was seriously reminiscing like an old man, which was sad because he looked pretty young. Not even mid-twenties, really. "Raira's a good school."

Kanae hated Raira. Well, she hated public places on a universal level, but high schools were exceptionally shitty and as far as she was concerned, Raira topped it all. Snobby, superiority complex shithole. It sucked. She hated it.

Thus, as if to emphasize said hate, she displayed her answer via more sushi throwing to the face. Shinra laughed stupidly again, though a little nervous this time as he clumsily wiped rice off his glasses. "Ahaha, maybe you should get rid of that habit. Playing with your sushi isn't very good, and it's so expensive. Wasting it is-"

Kanae agreed. She threw a plate of wasabi instead. Shizuo was in awe. "I like this kid." He quickly shoved the last of his food into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. "Oh, and about that blood test." There were already many empty plates littered around him. Apparently the guy ate fast. And a lot.

Shinra brightened at the words "blood test". "Yes?"

"I lied. Later." With that, Shizuo stood up and slid away. Shinra looked devastated. He literally crumpled in his chair.

This "Shizuo" person was a little mean…

…Oh well. Kanae dutifully showed the bill to Shinra, who then looked like he was about to cry.

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**A/N:** Constructive Criticism anyone? Cause apparently there's SOMETHING OOC about Shizuo here. Neither me nor Ephemeral Muse can quite place it. ARGHS! Oh, and Izaya and the killer website will show up next chapter. Properly. Just to note.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_This is a rewritten version of chapter 2. Because I didn't really like the first version. It's a good deal longer, and sort of stranger. But I hope it stayed consistent with chapter 1. _

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Chapter 2

The annoying thing about life was that it was more imaginative than her, which in turn meant that just because Kanae was in the opinion that her life couldn't possibly get any worse than it already was, doesn't mean it couldn't.

-which was why two days after the Shizuo incident found Kanae back in a miraculously intact Russia Sushi, practically being force fed a copious quantity of ootoro by self proclaimed universal humanitarian Orihara Izaya.

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Or actually, that was why, about an hour prior to said sushi force-feeding by said self proclaimed universal humanitarian, Kanae was wandering around forlornly in the streets of Ikebukuro because her father had come home after a one month, too short to be convenient business trip, and there was no way in hell she was going to stay under the same roof as BOTH of her parents and expect her sanity to hold out sufficiently enough for her not to grab a kitchen knife and stab them both dead.

And thus, the imaginatively shitty life found her quipped generously with two dosages of milk tea, sitting on the roof of some abandoned building (the sign hinted that it might've been a hotel of some sorts once upon a time) located in an abandoned alley in an abandoned old shopping district that nobody ever set foot in anymore, staring at the gray fluffy clouds in the sky and sort of wanting to go touch them because they were so fucking fluffy that words couldn't describe the utter fluffiness of it.

Kanae wasn't religious, not even remotely agnostic. She didn't believe in gods, or spirits, or afterlives, and didn't see any point in spending hours planning on just the right temple to pray at for protection from the pains of the world. Heaven and Hell were interesting articles to read about on Wikipedia; nothing more. She figured she'll maybe go be converted if something miraculous happens. Not like parting the seas or raising the dead miraculous; something small was fine. Maybe killing off both of her parents simultaneously, or having terrorists wipe out the entire Tokyo population. She'd like that. She'd be converted for something like that.

Anything short of that...well, she'd best spend her time plotting human eradication herself instead of praying.

Still, those clouds looked so soft. If there really was a Heaven somewhere up there, she'd like to go see it. Someday.

It was cold. Not the biting sort. The wind was blowing a cool path throughout the air, and bits of debris and dead leaves from man synthesized trees with little MADE IN CHINA stickers on the sides scattered around and about. The busy noises of the city were dim, and the sounds of traffic and footsteps of the multitudes of people in Ikebukuro so faint that they melded into one low, murmuring cacophony that hardly penetrated the peace. Kanae wished the whole world was like this, that people would just disappear and leave her alone forever. Something like that could never happen, of course, but sometimes she could just find empty places like these and pretend.

A sharp crunch snapped her out of her thoughts.

Footsteps, behind her, crushing rubble and fragments on the ground. Kanae turned around.

The man with the fur coat from a few days ago was standing there, hands casually jammed in pockets and self assured smirk beaming proudly on his face. He was the person Shizuo had been chasing so vehemently, if she recalled correctly. For a second, he regarded her curiously, before breaking out into light laughter. "It's rare to see someone in this part of the city."

Kanae stood up, and automatically stepped back as Coats gleefully hopped up to her.

"Oh wow, look at all the black you're wearing." He reached over and tugged her hood teasingly. Kanae defensively shoved his hand away. "Could it be you just got dumped by your girlfriend? I gotta say, this sort of place is pretty good for moping."

Silence. "...girlfriend?" She repeated dumbly, and it was only a skip and a lurch before she realized that Coats had mistaken her for a boy.

Noticing the disconcerted expression on her face, Coats quickly corrected himself. "Oh, sorry. You're a girl, huh? My bad. But-" He pointed at her dramatically, fingertip just stopping half an inch from her nose. "-the way you're dressed, you won't be getting a boyfriend anytime too soon, you know. I mean, just think about it. Boys don't like manly girls, because they're manly, and girls don't like manly girls because they're...well, girls. So in other words, you're at a complete disadvantage no matter what your sexual orientation is!"

Pause. Kanae turned and left.

Or, she tried to leave. Coats immediately swerved and somehow found his way in front of her again, effectively blocking any possible means of exit. His smirk had widened into some mad grin, and there was distinct glint in his eyes that seemed to promise many evil things in the near future.

"You shouldn't be so mean, ignoring people like that." He advised, bending down to her eye level and peering curiously as she provided him with a glare bitter enough to revert the world back to the Ice Age. It didn't work as well with him, and he let out an all suffering sigh. "Jeez, such a scary look. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought that you didn't enjoy my compan-" He stopped, and his eyes widened fractionally in recognition. "Ah, aren't you...you're that kid Shizu chan hit with a car a while ago."

Bingo, bitch. Took long enough to realize, huh?

He clapped his hands together in unmitigated delight. "You are! I didn't recognize you at first, with all those bandages over your head."

Why in the world were there such shitty coincidences in the world? In fact, "What are you doing here?"

"So you can speak full sentences after all." Coats winced only barely as Kanae kicked his leg. "I just had some business around here, and was walking past when I saw your legs dangling so precariously over the roof of a rundown love hotel-"

"...love hotel?" So it was a hotel after all. Kanae congratulated her intuition, and the sign downstairs.

Coats dropped a hand on her head, ruffling her hair and making it stick up at odd angles in odd places. "Yep, a love hotel. Couldn't you tell from looking inside?"

"...I...didn't see inside."

"Eh? Then how'd you get up the roof." Kanae pointed, and Coats followed her finger. "The fire escape?" An impressed whistle. "Wow, so you're the adventurous type? Or maybe...nonconformist? Nonconformity seems pretty popular these days. Like a lone rebel towards the endlessly gray monotony of society." He swirled around in a dramatic pose, and laughed thoughtfully. "Hey, that sounded kind of cool. I should be a drama script writer."

Kanae crouched down and hugged her knees, bleakly prodding at filthy pieces of glass and dirt crusted concrete. "You're strange."

This served to increase his glee, and he spun around repeatedly as he ranted. "Of course I'm strange. Don't you remember your elementary school teacher telling you that all people are different in their own special way? Well, she was right."

Well, for one thing her elementary school teacher was a "he", and he spent more time complaining about taxes and how shitty the government was more than anything else. Prep talk for seven year olds? Not so much his style.

Coats continued nevertheless. "You see, I love humans. Every human being in this world has a story of his, or her, to be politically correct, to tell. It's really great how different they all are and how they react so differently to the same situations." His voice turned almost fervent and within seconds he was laughing maniacally, erratic spinning increasing velocity by the moment. "There's so much about them I don't know, and never will know and no matter what I do there'll always be things for me to find out. I love humans. I LOVE THEM! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! I LOVE PEOPLE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! AHAHAHAHA!"

When his uncontrolled laughter finally died away, devolving into soft pants because his lungs couldn't really stand all that air, Kanae simply stared at him, dumbfound, because..._What. The. Fuck._

Coats stopped, mid-celebrating. "Eh? Wha...you disagree?" His face lit up. "Oh, you're a cynic, aren't you? Or maybe a pessimist? Actually, most people think that those two are the same, but in reality they're pretty different. Yeah, actually I think pessimist suits you more."

Kanae remained silent, and stared down at the smooth surface of her tea. She could almost see her reflection in it; Coats was right, she noticed for once with some desolation. She did look pretty boyish. It was definitely the patchy hairstyle; the result of Kanae and a pair of scissors and a situation involving utter boredom. It wasn't HER fault.

A sinister little smirk played on Coats' lips. "Ah, you don't think it matters?" He leaned over and draped an arm around her shoulder cheerily and chuckled as Kanae stiffened. "Of course it matters. A cynic just has a pessimistic view of the world, but they themselves disassociate with the gloomy world they view. They're still always happy, see? A pessimist however..." He pointed at her, fingertip stopping just barely an inch away from her nose. "...always thinks his, or in your case her (arguably) situation is the worst and always glooms over it. They're always depressed, and they do all sorts of self damaging things when they're depressed. Another reason why humans are so fascinating."

Kanae stared steadily at him, before looking back down at her feet. "...you're Izaya."

Izaya smiled. "You know me? I'm honored. Or should I be worried?" He looked only slightly suspicious, and mockingly so. "You're not a stalker, are you? Well, if you are, don't burn my place down. Please. I happen to like my apartment this time." Catching the deadpan look she gave him, he remembered. "Oh right, you must've heard Shizu chan yell my name last time, huh? Nice memory. Well, yeah, it's a strange name, I've been told. So what's yours? Brat no. 1? It suits you, you know."

Pause. After recovering from a brief bout of déjà vu, she shortly answered. "Yamato...Kanae."

"Perfect! I have an overly weird name. You have an overly normal name. It all evens out. We should get married or something. You like sushi? I'll treat you to some ootoro."

And that was why Kanae was dragged into Russia Sushi. Again.

"Sushi love!"

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And that brings them back to the force feeding sushi thing.

"I'm not letting go until you eat it." Izaya insisted, shoving raw fish against her mouth and apparently being a stupid bitch because maybe he hadn't noticed her attempt to avoid said raw fish and instead bite his fingers off. Most people would've taken the hint, but no, Izaya continued his ministrations until finally Kanae opened her mouth to protest and he took the chance to shove the whole thing down her throat.

"Mmph..."

Grinning madly, Izaya watched her choke down the sushi. "Sorry, I didn't catch that."

Kanae made a writing-like motion, and Izaya gave her a pen. She grabbed a napkin and scribbled down some words before showing it to him. _Please go die. _

This failed to impress him, and he merely leaned back and laughed. "How scary. But at least you have some manners. Shizu chan doesn't even use words. He just grabs something nearby and flings it, since he's one of those primitive sorts. You know, the ones without fully developed brains." He paused for a moment and reconsidered. "Though in Shizu chan's case, he probably doesn't have any brains."

"..." Kanae wordlessly drank her tea as Izaya launched into another ramble about the woes of Heiwajima Shizuo's miserable existence. So much for a universal humanitarian.

"Hey, I resent that." He sounded affronted. "I do love humans on a collective basis. Just not Shizu chan."

She internally sighed. "Then...you're universal with no tact...?"

Frowning, Izaya leaned forward, delicately propping his chin on a palm as he scrutinized her with quickly darting eyes. He had strangely colored eyes; she thought they were brown at first. They were red, the muddy kind, like dried blood staining pure white, and it gave him a definite lean, predatory façade. All the sadistic lunacy of the world condensed into retinas and irises and optic nerves.

"You're really mean, Kanachii-"

A sharp flinch before she could stop herself. "...don't call me that..." She furrowed her brows in slight distaste. "...that name."

"Ka-na-chiiiiiiiiiii." He said defiantly and Kanae hadn't expected anything more, so she kicked him under the table.

That course of action turned out to be a mistake, however, as Izaya immediately retaliated and the next ten minutes was filled with highly civilized small talk (or more accurately an extended soliloquy on Izaya's part, while Kanae sipped tea), and tacit under table kicking that left both contestants with rather appalling amounts of bruises and a notable lack of ability to walk properly for a long time.

A strange tune suddenly floated around them; it sounded like some superhero TV program's theme song.

Resisting the urge to cower at the appalling melody, Kanae automatically covered her eyes, and was miserably looking for the source when Izaya took out his cell phone and flipped it open. The music stopped.

_Was that...seriously his ring tone? _Nobody could blame her for sort of flopping on the inside.

"Hello?" He listened to the other side of the line, and a slowly developing crease in his brow told Kanae that it obviously wasn't good news. "Another one? Wait, you said he had the location to...the files were stolen? I thought I told him to make a backup. His place was burned down? Are you serious?" A groan. "Well, whatever. We'll just start from the beginning again. Go check the body for any clues...what do you mean you haven't seen his body? Then how do you know he's dead...His organs were delivered in a...? What the-"

Kanae listened curiously as Izaya's expression rapidly changed from annoyance to alarm, and back to resigned exasperation.

"Alright. Just call me if you find anything." He hung up and frustratingly jammed his phone back into his pocket.

"...sounds like...shady stuff."

Izaya smiled wryly before stabbing his chopsticks into an unfortunate chunk of ootoro. "You have no idea."

"...what is it?"

He didn't respond for a moment, and chewed thoughtfully on sushi before swallowing. "I could tell you, but then you'd be privy to very confidential information and I might have to dispose of you one way or another if things get too risky for me-"

"What."

"Webmaster." He said, and added. "_The _webmaster. I'm looking for him."

Kanae dimly registered the words, and subsequently spat her tea out. She pretended not to notice Izaya twitching just slightly as the hot liquid sort of landed all over him. "Y-you mean..." She coughed painfully, wiping her mouth on the back of her sleeve. "...Izaya san, I-I didn't know you were suicidal."

He pouted childishly. "Ne, just because I'm after a serial killer who goes through victims like tissue paper, doesn't mean I'm suicidal."

The Webmaster.

_The _Webmaster. One of the most prolific serial killers in Japanese modern history, with seventeen victims so far, all murdered in the most barbaric ways even conceived by a human mind.

He and his website had already been active for almost half a year, but they weren't widely known until recently, when some popular idol's younger sister turned up as a victim. Kanae still remembered the images of the girl's body-or, what was left of it; all the flesh had been carved off her limbs, down to the bones, and her head had been blown off with a shotgun. There were some guts spilling out the stomach too, if she recalled correctly, or was it large intestines? What was the difference again?

After that, the killings began to increase dramatically, and the whole thing was later elevated into a national crisis, despite the fact that all the deaths had so far been restricted to Ikebukuro alone. Spearheaded by none other than her (fucking son of a bitch excuse for a) father, the cyber security section of the government's criminal bureaucracy was currently leading the investigation. As of now, absolutely no progress.

Kanae privately hoped that someday the whole ordeal would just give her father a heart attack and save her the trouble of killing him personally.

And Izaya was apparently scheming to catch, or at least identify the killer who'd not only kill him, given the chance, but also...well, fuck him and his pretty face up very, very, VERY badly.

Factoring all that in, Kanae came to a conclusion. "...you're suicidal."

"Kanachii, I'm going to kick you again."

That was fine, since her legs were already numb from the last beating session they undertook, and she was quite sure Izaya's were in no better condition.

Izaya himself seemed to realize this, and decided not to live up to his threat. Instead, he wiped a thick slab of wasabi on a piece of sashimi and shoved it without warning into her mouth. "I'm not suicidal." He said smugly, seemingly enjoying himself as Kanae reflexively gagged, the stinging wasabi spread a path down her throat, failed to spit it out in time. The look she shot him was positively homicidal, and he was predictably unperturbed.

"...why?" Kanae finally managed out, after ridding her throat of the deadly combo of green mustard and raw fish.

"Isn't it obvious?" He pointed out, waving his chopsticks around in emphasis. "He's interesting, not even your average serial killer. I mean, just look at his stuff. The guy's got style, doesn't he?"

Kanae wasn't aware that ripping out organs and skinning people alive could be called style. Nevertheless, she could kind of understand Izaya's viewpoint. There was something unavoidably fascinating about the Webmaster's procedures. The barbarity of it was appalling and appealing at the same time, and everyone knew how hard that was too achieve.

"All people have some innate desire to see others in pain." Izaya explained through a mouthful of ootoro. "No matter how ethically moral they are. Which is why the Webmaster's tactics are so attractive to people's...let's say less than noble subconscious desires."

Yes. The webmaster's tactics. Posting real footages of him in the process of killing his victims on a special website, and then dropping the corpses, usually marred beyond recognition, in some public area the next day for the whole world to see. That was what made him so special, out of all the dirt low criminals in the city, in the country. That was what made him the virtual king of all maniacal, batshit crazy sadists ever to grace the planet.

And yet still Izaya was trying to catch this lunatic.

Her conclusion held firm. "Suicidal."

"But Kanachiiiii!"

* * *

A/N: Izaya's a regular little evil creature, isn't he? But what else is new.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: FOR THOSE WHO ALREADY READ BEFORE THIS CHAPTER, I REWROTE CHAPTER 2! YOU SHOULD GO READ IT IF YOU WANT THINGS TO BE CONSISTENT!**

This takes place during episode 3. Izaya's being a bitch, as per usual, and anyone else fall in love with Shizuo all over again while watching his fight scene in episode 17? Because I might've died a little of unmitigated JOY when he jumped from the slide like that and recreated a cosmic explosion when he landed. Plus why do I have a feeling this anime sort of breeds sadism tendencies in people? (Is shot and gutted)

**Warning:** Spoilers, strong language, nail clippers, Izaya being accused of pedophilia (if nobody likes that, but it's already a general consensus that he's probably a pervert at heart anyways), and I think that's it. Oh, and references to the fascinations of the human reproductive process, but nothing explicit.

**Disclaimer: **You know if I owned DRRR, then Izaya and Shizuo would more likely than not be in a very unharmonious marriage. Trust me. They'd completely redefine the meaning of a lover's spat.

**Chapter 3**

Kanae's computer froze again. Damn it.

From past experiences, she was sure anything more mindless clicking wasn't going to help. Kanae reached down and pulled the power cord out, and watched rather sadly as the computer screen flickered black. Rebooting always took a literal lifetime.

She was about to restart the computer when a faint vibrating caught her attention. It was her cell phone.

Apparently she had just received an email.

An unprecedented occurrence.

Well yeah, she didn't have any friends. Preppy, high school girls who wasted their worthless lives mooning over the latest fashions, and celebrities, and male idols who were even more feminine than themselves (That Hanejima Yuuhei in particular came to mind; he was so freaking girly it was scary. Do his fans have no pride in obsessing over a GUY who's more feminine than themselves? Sheesh). Kanae had no intention of bothering with the likes of them. And guys were just plain stupid.

In fact, they're all stupid. Period. Kanae was getting a headache just thinking about such lowlifes.

The point was Kanae had an email, and a cell phone. Just nobody to call her-(which sort of ruined the point of said email and cell phone, but such is life)

-until now.

Reaching over and plucking the black phone from its charger, Kanae clumsily flipped the lid open and stared at the screen.

3/25 22:16

From:

To:

Subject: Untitled

_Kanachii!_

_Care to join me in some daring escapade today?_

_It'll be fun._

_-END-_

Kanae didn't recognize the email, but the nickname at the beginning gave her suspicions. After a brief moment of hesitation, she awkwardly texted back. Her cell phone wasn't an old model, but it didn't have the full set of keyboards that many of the more advanced phones wielded these days. As she had absolutely no experience with texting, it took her almost ten minutes before mustering out a meager reply.

_You're that...person._

"Nakura's" reply was almost instantaneous.

_-Ahahaha. You're not good at typing on a phone, are you? Well, if my impression of you is accurate, and you're the little nobody of your social generation, it isn't that much of a surprise. As for who I am, I'll give you a little hint. Remember that dashing young man in the epically awesome, one of a kind furry coat you met last week?-_

So it was him after all.

_-Izaya san? _In the end, Kanae decided that life would be easier if she didn't wonder how the hell he got her email.

_-You do remember me! I'm honored. I really am. So how about that offer? You wanna take it up?-_

_-Why?- _That one took five minutes. She was getting the hang of this.

_-You might enjoy it. Unless you have other things going on tonight, of course, but I can't imagine a girl, tentatively speaking, like you having much to do.- _

Furrowing her brows together, Kanae stared at the text. It was true. Aside from wandering from website to website on the Internet, Kanae honestly had little to nothing to waste her life with. Normally, she had her little business that she carried out at night, but she had just been through a session a night ago, and she couldn't do it again for some time.

However, Izaya's offer still seemed a little too suspicious for her taste. Reluctantly, she typed in another answer.

_-What are we going to do?-_

_-Oh, I'll tell you later. Not now, since I'm sort in the middle of meeting up with some girls right now.-_

Pause. –_What?-_

_-Not like that, silly. Well, I am meeting with them. But it's not a date, I assure you. I'm just out for a little fun and enjoyment, and before you can go all "rape session" on me, I want to make sure we're on the same frequency. My definition of fun and enjoyment is a little different from the average human male's, alright?-_

_-What is your definition?-_

_-Convincing them to kill themselves- _Was the proud response.

Kanae sort of wilted internally at the text. Go figure, Izaya. Go figure. _-ah...I have a question-_

_-shoot-_

_-everyone says rape is bad. But the dictionary says rape is just forced sexual activity. And...sexual activity means reproductive activity. So...so what's so bad about reproductive activity?- _Other than the fact that such activities were bringing more accursed humans into the world, but Kanae's viewpoint didn't concede with the general consensus of the population, so...

Izaya's reply took longer this time, as if he had been struggling to find an answer. And that totally wasn't the case, because some smart ass like Izaya? At loss for words? Ahaha, that was like Heiwajima Shizuo actually going through an anger management session without killing the psychologist. Finally. _-...Let's just put it this way. Kanachii, do you want to have a kid with me?-_

_-Not really-_

_-Exactly my point. You don't get laid very often, do you?-_

_-...- _Did that question even need answering?

_Anyways, back to the main topic. Coming?-_

Pause. Well, she couldn't exactly say she was busy. _–okay- _

Kanae could almost feel Izaya's delight radiating off from his messages. Needless to say, it was creepy. –_Great! I'll pick you up at Sunshine 60 in...half an hour? Sound good?-_

_-...alright...-_

The whole thing sounded dangerous, but Kanae didn't sense anything sinister about the whole set up. Izaya was definitely one of the scheming types of people, a twisted maniac who nobody in their right mind would trust, but despite that, Kanae did have some degree of attraction (platonic, please) concerning the man. He wasn't like other people, and whether that was in a good or bad way didn't matter. He was a deviation from the norm; a small jagged split in the otherwise flawless expanse of uniformity that stretched on without end.

There was just _something..._

Izaya had said he loved humans. During that time, Kanae hadn't sensed any true affection in his voice, just cruel amusement.

She sort of understood the sentiment. Kanae herself was quite fond of her stuffed animals; they were good stabbing posts.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

"That site's been garnering a lot of attention these days, huh?" Shinra commented, peering over Celty's shoulder at the screen. He was sipping from a mug, which depicted a badly drawn shape of a headless dog. Celty twitched. "Hm, so this would make the...what, seventeenth murder? Oh my, nail clippers? That's really something new."

Celty clicked out of the window, slightly nauseated by the zoom ins of the process. _Aren't the police trying to catch this person? _

"Yeah, I heard they're trying. But apparently the website's hard to track down for some reason." Shinra shrugged, taking a seat next to Celty. "Which is strange, since there aren't that many great hackers in Ikebukuro or anything. The police have already checked out the more famous ones, but they turned up empty handed."

_But nobody could be better than the specialists working for the government, can they?_

"On the contrary, there's quite a large possibility of a superior computer technician lurking around here somewhere." Shinra laughed. "Hackers, and crackers, or whatever you call them; they tend to work in the shadows, see? That sort of work calls for anonymity; it's not very convenient if they get caught poking their noses in places where they don't belong, after all."

Celty worriedly looked up at the doctor. _You don't think this webmaster is an alien, do you?_

"...wha?"

She was insistent. _What if it's an alien with superior technological skills? Do you think this is just a warning to the rest of the world? What if it's intending to kill the rest of the Earth's population in the same manner? _

A pause. Shinra coughed embarrassedly. "Um, Celty...I don't think that's very likely. You haven't been watching extraterrestrial movies again, have you? You've been like that ever since you watched War of the Worlds. I told you, American movies are quite realistic and all, but they're still fak-"

_IT'S POSSIBLE! _All caps. _Aren't you worried that they'll suck out your blood and use it as fuel?_

"For one thing, I don't think blood as the biological components to make it a very convenient fuel source."

_But they're aliens!_

"Celty, the universe still follows the same material laws. You can't use blood as gas. You just can't."

Pause. Celty furiously typed again. _Then they might use the electric waves that go through humans' brains that give direction to the rest of their bodies! Those machines did it in the Matrix! I saw them!_

Shinra dimly wondered if there was any way he could sue Hollywood. "Well, let's just say the webmaster's very good at computers. And leave it at that, shall we, Celty?"

::::::::::::::

"I just thought of something." Izaya said perplexedly as Kanae stood forlornly in front of him, slouching and hating the world as per usual. "You started school a few days ago, right?"

"Huh? Nn." She nodded. "...why?"

A wide grin, and Izaya poked at a bandage stuck over the bridge of her nose. She squirmed. "Aside from the fact that you look like you were trashed by a bulldozer and fed to the dogs? Nothing, really."

Creasing her brows, Kanae self consciously put a hand to her face, which was heavily plastered with peeling bandages and tapes and chunks of gauze that were so badly arranged that some of the blood was still dripping through the fabric. "...I tripped on the stairs." She said dismally, picking at a piece of plaster on her cheek. "...the third year classrooms are...on the top floor."

A small snerk, and it grated. "You're a third year? I was thinking more of first. Which middle school do you go to?"

Pause. Kanae gave him a very murderous stare. "I'm in _high school._"

"You skipped?"

"...seventeen." Izaya was confused and she clarified caustically. "I'm...seventeen."

Izaya actually looked shocked at the revelation. He grabbed her head, ignoring her startled yelps, and pulled her face closer, examining her like he would an insect under a microscope. "You're joking." He said in disbelief, pinching her cheek experimentally. Kanae was this close to killing him then and there. "No way. You look nothing like a teenager. I already thought twelve was stretching it. That and you have absolutely no feminine sex appeal. I didn't even know that seventeen year old girls' chest could be as flat as yours..." He looked down. "...hey, you're sort of sensitive about this, aren't you?"

Kanae miserably crouched down and buried her head in her knees, curling into a depressed little ball. "...am not." Was the muffed denial. Izaya patted her comfortingly on the head and she didn't need to look up to know that he was completely enjoying things.

The asshole. It was good to see him again.

"You see." He was saying, as Kanae resignedly stood back up. "The webmaster's not the only person I'm interested in right now. You've heard of Dollars, right?"

The name did ring a bell. She's seen it mentioned on forums online before; an online colors gang, if she recalled correctly. A lot of bizarre rumors had sprung up due to the general lack of information concerning the group, and Kanae was quite sure their leader wasn't some Arab oil baron, but nevertheless she did get the idea that Dollars was a bit...eccentric.

Since when did gangs spend their time saving kidnapped people and cleaning graffiti on walls anyways? Gangs were supposed to be evil and violent and...well, evil and violent. Dollars must not be a very good gang.

"...are you a part of it?"

"Mm, pretty much." Izaya laughed. He pulled out his cell phone and clicked into the Dollars website. "Do you want to join?"

Kanae glanced at the page. It was a simple layout; completely black with a white circle and the Dollars logo in the center. A password slot was set underneath. "No."

"Aw, but it'd be fun." He insisted, typing in the password quickly. The screen was redirected to the homepage. "In case you change your mind, the password's baccano. All lowercase."

"Baccano?" Kanae repeated confusedly. "...like...the anime?"

He shrugged. "I guess the creator's a fan. And, oh, speak of the devil. There he is."

Izaya pointed, and Kanae followed his finger curiously to...a black haired boy in a Raira uniform. He was standing sheepishly next to another boy with bleached hair, who was hitting on some very uninterested looking girls. Blinking confusedly, she looked askew back at Izaya.

"I was pretty surprised too, when I found out." Izaya grinned at her skeptical expression. "The creator of a mysterious online gang, a first year high school student, and a hopelessly ordinary one at that. He just moved here a few days ago, from some rural town he had never set foot outside prior."

Kanae didn't answer.

Izaya's annoying ringtone suddenly floated out of his pocket, and with a quick "be right back", he ducked into a nearby alleyway to answer his call.

She turned back to the alleged Dollars founder, who was engaged in some heated argument with his friend. Probably about the girls they were trying to pick up, because they were nowhere to be seen. Izaya was right. He was...very average; average looks, average height, average clothes, not very outlandish personality, if his embarrassed reactions to his companion's unruly actions were indication of anything.

Eventually, another pair of girls caught the bleach haired boy's eyes, and they vanished behind a building corner in forlorn pursuit. Kanae lingered a blank stare at where they disappeared, some bleak feeling she settling in her chest as she listened to Izaya argue vehemently about unfair deadlines with his associate on the line, because he was busy, "really busy with more interesting things than getting dirt on your little gang rivals, so can you move it back a week before I somehow get Shizu chan to drop a bulldozer on your HQ".

The funny thing was, he probably could get Shizuo to do it. Izaya was sly like that, very capable of nasty things that tended to leave paths of destruction tenfold worse than the crap Shizuo did.

"-nachii? Hello?"

A quick snap of fingers jerked Kanae out of her reverie. Izaya was peering at her, apparently through with his call. Victorious, she assumed from his cheery expression and wondered what other threats he had used to get his deadline extension secured.

Withdrawing, Izaya jerked a thumb to where the Dollars kid and his friend had disappeared. "I kind of want you to meet them."

Kanae blinked as he grabbed her wrist and dragged her into the general direction. "...why?"

"It'll be fun." He supplied simply as he scanned the crowd for signs of the two boys. "I want to see how you guys get along. An androgynous/possibly asexual sociopath and a country boy who's never truly seen the flow of the city. An unprecedented encounter."

"Androgynous?" Kanae repeated.

And predictably, Izaya just skipped right along. "Hey, don't pay so much to details. You'll age faster like that." Pause, and he added with a distinctly thoughtful tone. "Though maybe in your case, some aging would do you some good. That and some new clothes. Is the 'homeless' appearance in style these days?"

No, it wasn't, and no, she did not successfully take out her scissors and stab him to death.

Not that she didn't try very hard.

:::::::::::::::::::::::

Once upon a time, a boy met a girl. They fell in love and married, settling in a nice dwelling in Ikebukuro. The boy, now a handsome young man, got a nice job with nice pay, and one day the girl, now a beautiful young woman, became pregnant and approximately nine months later gave birth to Orihara Izaya.

And god forbid Kanae EVER find out the identities of said boy and girl because then there would be nothing in the world who could stop her from dropping them in a giant paper shredder and feeding their entrails remains to the dogs. Because it was their fault tha-that...that SHE BECAME A HAPLESS ORPHAN WHO'S PARENTS HAD DIED IN A FIRE YEARS BEFORE AND WHO WAS BENEVOLENTLY ADOPTED BY AN INSANE HUMANITARIAN!

Or, it was their fault that Izaya was cheerily dragging her along amidst the sunshine of the world, following high school boys who may or may not be aware of their existences, when they were stopped by two policemen who were alerted by the profuse pedophilic vibes that Izaya was apparently giving off like radioactive waste gone horribly wrong.

"How old are you, sir?"

"Twenty three."

"And this child is...an elementary school student?"

Kanae was about to protest horribly to the accusation when Izaya grinningly slammed a hand over her mouth. "Ah, so close. Middle school. She just started her first year a few days ago. Aren't you proud of her? You probably don't know, but she's really shy. I thought she was going to come back crying."

The first officer studied her confusedly, before writing something in a small notepad. "Yes. Congratulations. So this..." He hesitantly frowned, mentally debating her gender. "...this girl, how old is she?"

"Twelve." Was the unhesitant declaration.

Die, Izaya. DIE.

"That's awfully young for a middle schooler." The officer prodded one of her injuries with his pen, and Kanae was most displeased when Izaya shoved her head downwards as she tried to bite the policeman's fingers. "Where did she get those bandages from?"

Without missing a beat, Izaya put a hand to his chest and shook his head disapprovingly. "Bullying. The poor thing's a magnet for them. The Japanese school system has so many flaws these days."

Exchanging looks, the two officers conversed in some underhand tones when the second officer finally looked up. "Sir, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. But I'm afraid you and the child will have to come down to the station for some questioning."

For just a second, a flicker of annoyance crossed Izaya's face. Or, maybe it wasn't nearly as much annoyance as positive murder intent, and it was just then that Kanae realized how excessively short tempered he could be when he was interrupted from his more...passionate activities.

But then it was gone, as quickly as it had come. With all smiles, Izaya turned to Kanae and said in an excessively coddling voice. "Kanachii, could you leave us alone for a moment? I want to have a little word with the nice policemen. Why don't you go get a soda or something? Here's some money." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of bills, way too much for just a drink, and stuffed it into her hand. When Kanae simply stared back confusedly, the smile took a more sinister turn. "_Now, _please."

Reluctantly, Kanae trudged towards the vending machines on the other side of the street. She stared at it, the complex buttons and colors and pictures and weird slots of varying lengths, and blinked. _I don't know how to use it. And I don't even drink soda._

After almost five minutes of standing there, a shadow loomed behind her, and Kanae turned around to find a group of three standing behind her. A capped man and girl, and another boy with somewhat closed eyes. All vaguely about Izaya's age.

"You alright?" The capped guy asked, and by shit he was so freaking tall. Kanae internally wilted. "You've been standing there for a while."

Kanae pointed unhappily to the vending machine.

"You don't know how to use it?"

Suddenly, the other boy and girl practically attacked her, seizing her by the shoulders and examining every freaking inch of her and why the hell was this happening to her again? Wasn't it enough when Izaya one hit K.O'd her with his "You look like an elementary school boy, when you're actually a high school girl" comments? Was this karma? Did that stuff really exist? Because if it did, then maybe it wasn't too late to convert-

"Ne, ne. She definitely looks like Enma kun from Hitman Reborn, doesn't she." The girl said with sparkling eyes as she poked at her bandages.

The boy frowned, peering at her inquisitively. "The color scheme isn't right. Enma's hair and eye colors are different. He doesn't have black hair."

"But the bandages! Plus they both look so gloomy."

The boy opened his mouth to object when the taller man grabbed both their collars and dragged them back. "Quit harassing people like that." He looked slightly embarrassed by his friends' actions, and turned back to Kanae. "You need help with this thing?"

She nodded furiously, and with a sigh, the man walked over to the vending machine.

"What flavor do you want?"

The list was extensive. Kanae stared at them all intently, before pointing at a button. Strawberry Kiwi. She held up two fingers.

"You want two?" A nod, and the man pointed at one of the longer slots. "You put your money here. Two drinks are about...three hundred yen, I think. What do you ha-" He stopped dead as Kanae dumped the crumpled money Izaya had given her into his hands. They were all 10,000 yen bills. Bewilderedly, he looked back at her, then at the money which was apparently disproportionate to her appearance and Kanae wondered if she really did look that destitute.

"Wow, she's loaded." The other boy said in awe as he snatched one of the bills. "Rich, but raggedly dressed. It's like a manga heroine!"

The girl furrowed her brows in contemplation. Then her eyes widened in revelation of something Kanae didn't want to know about. "Could it be?"

"I think it is."

They exchanged overjoyed looks and crowed together. "The rebellious princess syndrome!"

"Isn't that, like, the ultimate Mary sue symptom?"

"Yeah, but that usually depends on the situation. We'll have to stalk her to find out whether or not she can manage to keep the syndrome without turning into a Mary Sue."

"You're not stalking anyone!" Rubbing his forehead exhaustedly, the capped man muttered a small "Sorry about them" to her and carefully handed Kanae back most of the money, inserting a bill into the machine and pressing the Strawberry Kiwi button a couple of times.

With a rankling clatter, two cans of soda were dumped into the opening at the bottom of the machine. He bent down and picked them up, handing them to her. "It's rare that someone doesn't know how to use these things. Are you buying for your parent too?"

That evil information broker creature? Parent? Mental breakdown at the very thought of it? Yes.

And speaking of the certain asshole extraordinaire...

Kanae pointed wordlessly. Kadota followed her finger, and might've choked on thin air when his eyes made themselves home on the sight of-

"IZAYA?"

-Izaya talking and gesturing dramatically while the two policemen were apparently...crying? Sobbing and gulping for air as they blew their noses in their sleeves, and just what the hell did he do to them?

The capped guy's mouth worked soundlessly as he stared at Izaya, then immediately swung back to Kanae. "Yo-you know him? Izaya?"

"...you know him too?"

"He put me through hell in high school, if that's what you mean." He muttered dejectedly, hand glumly scratching on the back of his neck, and he stared at the soda cans in her hand. "And...He hates strawberry kiwi flavor. FYI."

Kanae lit up. "What does he like?"

"...I think he drank a lot of melon and citrus back then." He offered after a minute of shifting through old high school memories.

Hurriedly, Kanae pressed the melon/citrus button and pulled the can out. She opened it, and dumped the contents out onto the ground. Caps yelped as some of it landed on his shoe. "...oops."

"It-It's fine, but what are you doing?"

Not bothering with an explanation, Kanae cracked open one of the strawberry kiwi cans and carefully poured the bright red liquid into the empty melon/citrus can. She rearranged the opening and held it up in the sunlight for inspection. "...for Izaya." She supplied simply and proudly, holding up the strawberry kiwi drink disguised as melon citrus.

"You...don't like him very much, do you?"

No, she did. In fact, Kanae liked Izaya a lot, much more than most other people in the world. He was...unique. But that didn't mean she couldn't derive some sadistic enjoyment at his expense. And the guy needed to suffer a little; might take the arrogant little bitch down a few notches.

Sooner or later, Caps struck a little one sided conversation with her. Some things about Izaya, and Shizuo, both whom it seemed had hated each other the second they met. They and Shinra all attended Raira few years back, and Kanae dimly wondered how the high school was still standing.

"Well, you shouldn't wander around alone these days." Kadota finally finished while in the background Erika and Walker watched her intently. "It's dangerous, with Dollars and that creepy online killer wandering around. I don't think Izaya would try to protect you from anything, even if he could. By the way, what's your name again? For some reason, I keep calling you Brat no. 1 in my mind."

Kanae grit her teeth, steeled her patience, and graciously did not spear him dead.

A while after they had left, Izaya waved her over. Next to him, the two policemen were practically bawling.

"It's all cleared up now." He said as Kanae walked over to them, warily staring at the officers.

The first one hiccupped a little and put a shaky hand on Kanae's shoulder, sniffing horrendously. "I-I had no idea you've been through so much, little girl." He sobbed, wiping his eyes.

The other one did the same, too inebriated with tears to notice her completely lost expression. "To-to think your parents died in a horrible fire"

"You idiot!" His colleague choked out. "They died from simultaneous heart attacks after the false report that their daughter was killed from a car crash!"

"I-I thought it was fire! He said it was a fire!"

They both looked at Izaya for confirmation. He smiled superficially. "Er...They...did...die from heart attacks, but the stove was on and accidentally caught fire. So they died of that too. It was terrible. In the end, there weren't even enough of the bodies left for a proper funeral."

Kanae twitched.

A furious nod. "Yes! That was it! And this kind young man helped you, even though he himself was so poor at the time." What the hell! Did he not SEE how Izaya just stuffed a shitload of money into her hand a few minutes ago? "And he worked so hard, day and night, just so he could provide you with a good life."

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait WHAT? She was NOT liking where this was going.

"You're lucky you have such kind foster father." The officer said with a breath of self control, and then added brokenly. "And to think...we...WE ACCUSED HIM OF PEDOPHILIA!"

"HOW COULD WE HAVE DONE SUCH A TERRIBLE THING? WE'RE HORRIBLE PEOPLE!"

Twice. Kanae had only experienced migraines twice in her life; once when Shizuo threw a fucking _car _to her head, and right now, the ugly symptoms of batting rams to the temple increasing exponentially as she watched the officers both break down simultaneously, frankly unable to do anything other than stand stock still in complete and utter shock while Izaya actually had the nerve to pat her comfortingly on the shoulder. As if apologizing.

"I'm pretty good at this, aren't I? You think I should be a politician?"

Or not.

Kanae threw the sodas at him. "I HATE YOU!"

* * *

**A/N:** Puberty hates Kanae. And honestly she doesn't look THAT young, but these days you can hardly tell the difference from a few (*cough*five*cough*) years anyways, so whatever.

For those who don't know, Enma is a newer character from Katekyo Hitman Reborn. He's always covered with bandages; I was doodling Kanae and one of my friends said she looked like him (I personally never saw the resemblance). So hence the comparison. What else. War of the Worlds is an alien film based off a book, Matrix is...well, I really don't know what to call it, but yes there's human electric wave sucking. :D

Thanks for reading! I appreciate all the reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Durarara has ended. Well, not the light novels, but it's not like I can read them anyways (facepalm). Enjoy this chapter. Shizuo shows up again, because everyone loves him.

Sorry for the slow updates.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Kanae never did get to meet the Dollars creator after all, having stormed off before Izaya could pull them back on track, because the mental image of him cooking her breakfast every day and kissing her goodnight (in her mother's frilly pink apron) did too much damage to her brain. She needed time to recuperate.

Not that she got much of a chance to do so, since life did kinda suck shit. Which was why one week later found her intoxicated and flattened by a slide, courtesy of one crazy bartender Heiwajima Shizuo.

* * *

Or actually, that was why Kanae just so happened to be walking past Russia Sushi when she just HAD to bump into Izaya again. Literally. And painfully.

She didn't react at first, when she found herself flat on the ground and Izaya was still standing happily as if he had been hit with a piece of feather instead of 100 lbs worth of gender ambiguous high schooler. For almost a minute, she could only stare in disbelief and wonder if this was somebody's sick joke because every time Izaya showed up, she was bound to-

And then something very wet began soaking her sleeve, and Kanae looked down to find her precious milk tea spilled and spreading a murky little puddle on the ground. She immediately jumped up and avoided the onslaught of spilt drink, looking at Izaya warily.

"If it isn't Kanachii!" He seemed absolutely delighted, as usual. Kanae could almost see something in his brain lighting up; something tentatively labeled "Yay! Free torture post!" and yes that was creepy. No questions about it. Before Kanae could run off, Izaya threw an amiable arm around her shoulder, gesturing to the elaborately lit entrance of Russia Sushi as he dragged her unwilling self towards it. "I was just about to get something to eat. Today's 50 percent off day at Russia Sushi."

Then she kind of wondered if all the weird people in Ikebukuro centered their food lives on Russia Sushi. Maybe that was why she kept getting dragged in. Was it a magnet for strange people? Like crazy bartenders and weird Russians with bad Japanese accents, and masochist doctors and...humanitarians? Why the heck was she being categorized with them?

Izaya flashed her a cheery grin. "Because you're a sociopathic high school student who looks barely more than half her age and constantly plots people's ultimate demises. You fit perfectly!"

Die, Izaya. Just die.

**After Russia sushi.**

"Ow, stop pulling on my hood already."

"D-don't wanna."

"Wait. Not the hair. Not the hair! ACK!" Izaya yelped as Kanae tugged anyways, and he almost dropped her on the ground. "How did you get drunk from one sip?"

She hugged him sloppily around the neck, nearly choking him in the process. "Dunno. But it's fun."

"My head begs to differ." He winced, shifting his hold so she didn't go sliding off his back. How in the world did it come to this, an information broker giving a piggyback ride to a creepy little kid drunk on one tiny sip of heavily diluted sake, and oh god, if Shizuo appears now, he'll be in some deep shit. Then again, whatever the guy throws at him would probably hit Kanae anyways, so maybe he's safe for now.

Either way, he was going to kill Simon the next chance he got; mixing hot sake with tea? Not good service, the last time he checked. Mixing hot sake with tea for a minor who obviously had the shittiest alcohol tolerance ever and forcing him to carry her back home because she looked just _that _pathetic when hopelessly drunk? Someone needed to die for that.

"Heey, Iza chaaan. Did I ever tell about that-that thingy, with the blood and guts. Er...y'know." Kanae hiccupped thoughtfully. "...y'know, y'know, that thing...where people move and stuff...and you watch'em and stuff...begins with an 's'."

Simon. Advertise while you can for now. Izaya thought bitterly as her slurred mumblings trailed behind him. You are SO dead the next time I see you. "I think you're referring to movies, Kanachii. And no, I don't want to hear it. OW!" Kanae poked him, and it might've been a pressure point she hit, because it was painful as hell.

She laughed, rather sadistically as she hugged him again. "I-Iza chan's cooler when he's in pain. Ahaha-*hic*. Eh, wazzat a cough? I think I have a cold. Gimme yer coat."

"That was a hiccup, not a cough. And there is no way I'm giving you my coat."

"Bu-bu-but it's so...pwetty. And fuzzy. Did'ja skin a rac-raccoon for the fuzz? Cause it looks like'a raccoon...thingy."

_Beep. Beep._

Izaya blinked. Cell phone? It wasn't his ringtone, and he had no idea what Kanae's sounded like, but nobody ever called her, so...

A little away from them, some guy in a pink sweatshirt was passed out on the ground. A yellow cell phone was peeking out of his pocket, and it was ringing incessantly. "Well, that certainly solves things." Izaya dropped a now comatose Kanae in a painful heap. She curled up and slept on. He bent down and took the phone, pressing the green ANSWER button.

"Sushi love! I love ootoro!"

Pause. Then, a deadpan. "Who the hell are you?"

The voice was more than familiar, and could only belong to one person in Ikebukuro. "What a coincidence! It's Dotachin!" He grinned at the thought of the caller dying on the inside, of one thing or another. "Eh? Why did I pick up? Well, some random guy was lying around with a ringing cell phone, so...where am I? What, you have some business with him?" Izaya glanced at Kanae, who was still sleeping, and muttering something about milk tea. Well, he always was an opportunatist at heart. "I'll tell you under one condition."

"What?" Dotachin sounded more impatient than usual, and that was really saying something.

"There's this kid I have to take home, except I'm too lazy. Can you just take her with you until she become sober again? Yes, she's drunk, and no. It's not my fault. Ask Simon, alright? In fact, give him a nice bloody nose for me, because giving her a piggyback ride home is painful and now my head is hurting like-you'll do it? Alright, I'm counting on you. I'm in South Ikebukuro, next to Taishoken. Why I'm here? Well, obviously because it's sales day at Russia Sushi."

A loud crash behind him cut him off. Izaya looked past his shoulder, and internally cringed. "Yeah, anyways. That kid I was talking about? She's sort of under a sort of elephant shaped slide thing. Well, because Shizu chan's aim is as bad as his mouth and you know for some reason every time she's around Shizu chan, she gets hit by his projectiles instead of his actual targets. Not that I'm complain-"

"IZAYA!" Shizuo hollered, rushing at him with all the force of a bulldozer, and maybe more. "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF IKEBUKURO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Yeah, if you'll take care of her? Okay. Bye." Without listening to any possible complaints, Izaya disconnected, and tossed the phone back to the pink sweatshirt guy. He ran off, with Shizuo ever so courteously chasing after him.

Meanwhile, Kanae peacefully slept on under a-

* * *

"She really was under a slide."

"She looks so much like a boy, but still sort of feminine. But still male! It's like Haruhi from Ouran High School Host Club!"

"But all the bandages on her face. Isn't it sort of like Ciel from Kuroshitsuji?"

"But Yumachii! Ciel has an eyepatch! Not bandages."

"I know, but you can sort of see the resemblance in their hairstyles. Actually, I think Ciel's hair is shorter. Hey, you got any scissors on you? Let's cut her hair, so it'll look more like Ciel."

"Let's do it!"

Kanae blearily opened her eyes. Her vision was extremely blurry, but she still managed to make out the edge of a pair of scissors hovering in front of her face. Her leg automatically shot up, sinking it to something that sort of felt like someone's stomach. There was a muffled groan, and a thud. She sat up, feeling a severe headache going on.

The four people surrounding her weren't at all anyone she knew, but they certainly were staring back at her with some degree of recognition. One of them, a tall man wearing a black beanie, bent down next to her. He looked vaguely familiar. "You know Orihara Izaya, right?" He said.

Still trying to focus her vision, she nodded numbly as she clutched the back of her head. The pain was much more severe than the headaches she had in the past; it was almost like she was experiencing a hangover or something. No, that wasn't possible. She didn't drink alcohol. "Who're you?"

"Er, me?" He sighed, scratching his head as if confused by the simple query. "Kadota Kyohei. We met before, didn't we? Vending machine?"

Pause. "Vending machine..."

"Izaya asked me to keep an eye on you until you recover." Firmly grabbing her arm, Kadota dragged her into a semi standing position in which she almost immediately collapsed. Kadota and another man steadied her. Sniffing the air, Kadota frowned. "Funny. Your breath doesn't smell that strongly of alcohol."

Kanae looked at him quizzically. "Smell?"

He rolled his eyes. "Never mind. We've got something to do, so you'll have to wait a bit until we send you home. Oh, and..." He reached into his pocket and fished out a small pocket knife. "...it might get a little dangerous. So you'll probably want to take this for now. I doubt you can do anything with it, but it's still better than nothing."

She accepted it warily. "...thanks."

"What's your name again?" Togusa asked casually, already climbing into the driver's seat of a van. "Wasn't it something like Brat no. 1?"

"It's Kanae! Yamato Kanae!" Was the almost desperate interruption. Why did everyone call her that?

"Alright, alright. Get in the car already. We're in a hurry."

Still a little wobbly, Kanae reluctantly got into the back of the van with Erika and Walker. Kadota sat in the passenger seat up front. Both Erika and Walker stared at her with broad grins as Togusa started the engine.

"So...Kanae chan, right?"

"Do you like manga?"

"Kuroshitsuji?"

"Kurosh-?" Was all Kanae managed to say before the van suddenly accelerated, sending all three of them crashing into the back.

She wasn't really sure whether to call Togusa a good or bad driver. Good because going at a speed almost twice the speed limit, he had yet to hit any poor pedestrian unfortunate enough to be within a twenty feet radius of the van. Bad because he pretty much ran through every traffic light, regardless of red or green. It was a miracle they didn't have any police chasing them by the time they rounded into some obscure street.

Kanae was _this _close to throwing up.

Kadota glanced back, looking slightly embarrassed. "Sorry. We're in a hurry."

Oh really? Like she _didn't notice AT ALL. _And with the ease Togusa maneuvered, it didn't seem like this was the only time he sped. Why, oh why did Izaya leave her in the clutches of these madmen? No, madmen she could deal with. She liked madmen. Crazy CAR SPEEDING madmen, not so much. If she loses her dinner (not that she liked it very much) via carsickness, then she'll have to arrange a "talk" with the lovely informant very soon. Possibly with the help of scissors.

Erika and Walker were just about as tossed about as herself, but they looked much too alive to be normal. "We haven't done this for so long!" Erika cheered, throwing her hands in the air as Walker laughed shakily. "Not since we joined Dollars!"

Kadota and Togusa gagged on absolutely nothing, and apparently Togusa had some sort of special bond with his car because when he spazzed, so did the car. Once again, Kanae was sent tumbling. Yeah. Izaya was a dead man walking.

(Somewhere, Izaya sneezed. "Ah, maybe Kanachii really did have a cold." He thoughtfully chewed on sushi.)

Or maybe a dead man eating. Whatever.

"You idiot!"

"Dollars?" Kanae repeated quietly. "Hn..."

They all looked at her, probably searching for some sign of shock in her expression. "You don't seem surprised." Kadota ventured cautiously.

"You're going to crash into Heiwajima Shizuo san, Togusa san." Was the flat reply.

"GAH!" Togusa swerved in the nick of time to avoid crashing into the bartender, who shot them a dirty glare before walking on. He let out a sigh of relief. "He would've trashed my car if I ran against him."

Kanae decided that Togusa should've worried more about himself than his car when dealing with a rabid bartender. With his safety priorities so screwed up, she highly doubted that he'll live very long a life.

"Wait, Togusa. Stop for a moment. Just do it." Kadota snapped at his confused look. Once the car stopped, he quickly got off, turning to Kanae. "You get off too." He dragged her to a puzzled Shizuo. The spectacles man from before was also with him. "Yo. Shizuo, you think you can do me a favor?"

Shizuo shrugged nonchalantly. "Depends."

Kadota gestured to Kanae. "You think you can take her home? Iza-er, a friend asked me to look after her. But I've got some dangerous business going on, and...y'know."

Staring at Kanae, Shizuo's eyes widened in recognition behind his shaded glasses. "Hey, you're that-" Groaning softly under his breath, he relented surprisingly quickly. "Sure thing. Just leave the kid with me."

"Thanks." Kadota quickly waved a bye to Kanae before running back to the car, which quickly drove off.

"Jeez, you're like a curse." Shizuo sighed. "Come on."

Spectacles gave him a disapproving look. "Don't say that now, Shizuo. You're still the one who nearly killed her." (And hit her with a slide today, but nobody but Izaya knows that). Turning to Kanae, he added. "I don't think I introduced myself properly last time. Name's Tom. You're-?"

"It's not brat no. 1!"

"I wasn't going to say that."

Kanae glared at him suspiciously, before muttering. "Kanae."

Tom shrugged. "Alright, Kanae chan, is it? You don't have to be so nervous. Who calls people brat no. 1 the first time they meet anyways? That's a little rude." Next to him, Shizuo coughed and avoided Kanae's accusing look.

Just about then, Kanae's cell phone rang. Fishing it out of her waist bag, she stared at the caller ID. _Oh crap. _Quickly glancing at Shizuo, who was disinterestedly talking to Tom about debts or something, she surreptitiously whispered. "Izaya san."

"Oh, good. You're awake." The oh too annoying voice chuckled on the other side of the line. "I trust that Dotachin's taking good care of you?"

"...Dota..."

"Kadota. It's a nickname."

Well, she had to admit. Dotachin was pretty catchy. "...he...said he had stuff to do. He asked Shizuo san to..."

"Shizu chan? Oh, he's nearby, huh?" Nod. "Ahaha. I think I'll hang up now. Bye." And before Kanae could elicit on how she was going to turn him into dog food with many sharp things the next time she saw him, Izaya hung up. Asshole.

"Who was that?" Tom asked while Shizuo curiously stood by.

Kanae quickly deleted the history on her cell phone. Just to be on the safe side. "...parents." Was the slightly strained, yet completely innocent answer. "Th-they wanted me to buy some...milk...on the way home." Like hell. Both her parents were freaking allergic to milk. Wimps.

Tom pointed behind her. "There's a convenience store. Shall we stop there? I need to pick up some stuff myself. And Shizuo, didn't you run out of bandages?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Shizuo muttered, ever the conversationalist. "Hey, I was just thinking. I saw Izaya today, and I threw a slide at him. But I think I hit someone else." This time, Kanae coughed and looked away. "I ran after the bastard before I found out who it was, but it's rare to see that stupid flea with someone else." Pause. He scowled. "It's probably one of his weird underground business partners. Should've checked to make sure he died."

At that point, Kanae tried her very best not to stab Shizuo in the back with her scissors. _So that's what they mean by 'she really was under a slide.' _

"I sense murderous intent for some reason." Shizuo turned back to Kanae, who waved innocently. "Weird."

"It's just your imagination, Shizuo." Tom sighed. "That's why I said you really should see a psychiatrist."

They walked through the automatic doors of the convenience store, and Kanae abruptly became aware that they were treated to many stares. She privately stole another glance at Shizuo, who had slouched off to the medical section. Come to think of it, she needed some more first aid kits too. She followed him. "Shizuo san."

He looked down at her, and the height difference really was annoying her. "What?"

"...are you famous?"

A little surprised, Shizuo shrugged, and there was a hint of discomfort on his face. "I wouldn't call it that, exactly. Erm..." He heaved a slightly exasperated breath. "I guess people around do know me pretty well. In 'Bukuro, at least. Let's just say I don't have the best temper in the world. And trust me, you're not the only victim of a car to the head, courtesy of me."

Was he that scary? Kanae tilted her sideways, and scrutinized him. Shizuo didn't LOOK very scary, besides his height. He was actually quite handsome, come to think of it. Not feminine, like the vast majority of male idols (Examples being Hanejima Yuuhei, Hanejima Yuuhei, and Hanejima Yuuhei. Did she mention Hane-freaking-jima Yuuhei? Hm, Heiwajima and Hanejima sort of sound similar. Maybe they're distant cousins? Pft. Yeah right.) plastered all over billboards and movie posters and teenage girls' rooms' walls. But he had that odd sort of charm...

Well, Kanae was technically never on the receiving end of Shizuo's INTENTIONAL bodily harm or bad temper, so maybe she was missing something. But the point was, inhumane strength and anger issues aside, Shizuo didn't seem THAT very...fear inspiring.

"By the way, why're you here?" Shizuo finally asked, noticing that she was still trailing behind him. "The milk is probably in the foods area. It's on the other side of the place."

Forlornly showing him her bandages, Kanae simply said "Need medical stuff too."

"Yeah?" He studied the wounds with mild interest. "You get into a lot of fights or something?"

She shook her head. "...beaten up at school."

"Bullies?"

Nod.

Shizuo sounded sympathetic. "They still do that sort of shit these days, huh?" He also sounded like an old man. Izaya said they met in high school, so the guy can't be THAT old. "Come to think of it, I sometimes work around Raira. Here, gimme your cell. I'll put my number in. Just give me a ring if you need some help."

He was serious, Kanae thought in utter disbelief as Shizuo reached a waiting hand out for her phone. And why in the world would he be helping a poor high school student in need when he had other things to do (like hunting down Izaya) with his time. "...no...that's..."

"Come on." Shizuo impatiently said, grabbing the phone from her hand and flipping the lid. He raised an eyebrow at the contacts. "Wow. Only one person down? Your parents?"

"...oh, no. It's just-" Kanae stopped midsentence as realization hit her. _Oh SHIT. IZAYA. _"Uh...that..that's-"

Shizuo blinked for a moment, staring at the screen in something akin to bewilderment mixed with annoyance. Shaking his head, he rapidly typed in his number before snapping it shut and handing it back to her. "I seriously need to see a doctor." He said, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes. Kanae confusedly stared and he laughed a little. "Imagining things. I thought that contact was...well...just someone I don't like. I'm seeing things. Someone like you wouldn't know that bastard."

Registering his words, Kanae blinked. Did Shizuo seriously just delude himself into thinking that that wasn't Izaya's name on the contacts list? That was...sort of pathetic. And at the same time, really funny.

He looked at her questioningly as she forced back a small 'pft'. "Something wrong?"

Kanae shook her head. "...thanks...I guess."

"No prob." Shizuo amiably clapped Kanae hard on the back. She cringed at the force and stumbled. "I take back the 'brat' thing. You're a decent kid, even if you act like your mouth is taped shut most of the time. Well, I can't say I was too social myself back when I was in high school." Yeah. Like she said. Old man.

"Oh, that's where you went." Tom called from a few aisles down. He walked over, holding some bags of instant coffee and...a carton of milk. Reaching them, he handed the milk to Kanae. "Here. I was near the food's section, so I picked up some milk for you." He smiled sheepishly. "I don't know if it's the same brand you drink, but I think this one's pretty good. Healthy too. You do organic?"

"..." Kanae blankly stared at the milk, and looked up at him perplexedly. She pointed at herself. "...for me?"

"Yeah for you. I already have enough." He chuckled, and bumped Shizuo's shoulder. "And I can't say this guy really needs it."

"Hey. I like milk."

"Doesn't mean you need it. In fact, your bones are probably as hard as rock as they are. The last thing we all need is for you to get any stronger. Next thing we know, you'll be tossing trucks into people's heads."

"I can already lift a truck."

"But you can't throw it. Yet. Thank god. Or else you might really kill someone."

"Well, if it's that Izaya bastard..."

Kanae watched them for a moment, and looked back down at the milk in her hand. It was two percent, and like Tom said, organic. The expiration date was almost a month away. He must've looked pretty hard to find it. There was Shizuo's number too, securely snug against Izaya's. She had two contacts now, from arguably the two most dangerous people in Tokyo. How funny. She didn't even have her parents' or home's number and for a long time her phone had only be used for things like a makeshift calculator or clock. Sometimes a camera.

She felt a little happy, for some reason as she stared at the two names on her phone. Her, the people hating sociopath, with two contacts and three acquaintances. Who would've ever guessed? No, wait. She was supposed to be a sociopath, then she should be hating people. But Shizuo and Tom seemed so genuine, and Izaya...well...urg. Must. Resist. The. Light. Yes! She should eliminate the bad influence! Er...well, influence that is bad on evil, so it's...good influence? Izaya's a bitch through and through, so he can stay. But Shizuo and Tom must go. Wait, why did they have to go? Something about the light...She lost track of her thoughts. Her head still hurted.

"Shizuo. Did you do something to her?"

Shizuo reeled at the question. "What are you-I didn't do anything!" He protested, staring at Kanae, who looked like she was locked in some internal competition (which in fact she was). He died a little inside. "Oh, yeah. I just gave her my number, in case she needs some help. But...yeah...she's looking a little too happy for just a number. Oh wait, gimme that back for a sec." He snatched Kanae's phone. "I...think I gave you my home phone instead. Lemme change it-"

He was cut off as the phone started vibrating again. Kanae suddenly felt very..._oh fuck. _

"Hn? Your parents again? Let's see, Orihara Iza-" Shizuo stopped dead, stared at the caller id, and his eyes widened in utter disbelief at the name.

"...uh...that's..." Kanae tugged weakly at Shizuo's sleeve. "...give me back my cell pho..." She trailed off, sensing that it was too late. Sensing the futility of it, Kanae decided to ditch her (probably doomed) phone and with a small "bye" to Tom, quickly dashed out of the store.

No, it wasn't her fault that the next time she passed the store, it was closed for renovation.

And Heiwajima Shizuo owed her a new cell phone.

* * *

**A/N: **The end. Of the chapter, that is. Hope you enjoyed.

Review please!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Chapter 5 is here. A little on the long side; hope nobody minds.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

The thing about Orihara Izaya is that nobody ever knew what the hell he was thinking most of the time. The times when Kanae DID know, it was usually something blatantly obvious, like "I hate spinach" or "I want to go play videogames". But things like "I want to help you find meaning in life", or something vague and deep like that, she just couldn't tell.

Which was why when Izaya in a fit of mad, completely random amusement invited her in the most ridiculously subtle manner to join him on his quest about life and death and everything, relevant and irrelevant, in between, Kanae decided that she must be going (even more) insane before accepting and wondering just how many decades she had just cut off from her lifespan.

* * *

Or actually, that was why Izaya, who was probably the most opportunistic soul in the entire country, found out that Kanae's father was the official in charge of the investigation with the killer website phenomenon, and subsequently wouldn't let her out of his sight.

So the woes of life found Kanae was sitting miserably on a couch, fumbling with a Rubix cube she had found, while Izaya worked in his little office like area, which was equipped with some of the latest mechanic shenanigans on the market plus one giant ass computer monitor.

"I don't like your couch."

"Uncomfortable?"

She nodded frantically, and jabbed at the hard leather surface of the sofa, frowning as the small dents her poking made in the surface quickly evaporated into its original hard flatness. Seriously. Izaya might as well just replace his furniture with a lump of rock.

Forlornly throwing the cube aside, Kanae got up and walked over to Izaya, peering at the email window on his computer screen. She shook his shoulder insistently. "Who's Ya...Yagiri phar-pharma..."

"Pharmaceuticals." Izaya finished for her. "You're not good with kanji, are you?"

Kanae bristled unhappily. "Kanji's stupid." She said. "Cause stupid people made it." Pause. "Erm, but all people are stupid, so...that's redundant, I think. Uh...yeah, it's...it's redundant."

"Hey, I object to that." Izaya said, whacking the back of her head with an expression of mock offense. "I'm a person too, you know. So you're calling me stupid too."

She turned to him blankly, and considered it.

Izaya was widely accepted as the following: capital A asshole, about as empathetic as a twig, possibly a pervert, possibly a pedophile, completely lacking a conscience, lunatic humanitarian whose humanitarian beliefs to speak of don't concede with those of the general human race, very deceptive, excessively manipulative, all knowing and too proud of it, egocentric, narcissistic, indecent, and all in all an utter bitch with a vast portion of Tokyo after his internal organs and another chunk worshipping the air he breathes and the disturbing yet somewhat influential minority mentally unclothing him every chance they get.

To this day, Kanae still wasn't sure if Shizuo was truly part of the utmost former or in reality the utmost latter. The way he glares at Izaya like a dog at a slab of meat. It sort of made her wonder.

And that guy still owed her a phone. Well, she got a new one (correction, she stole Izaya's; now she has many contacts. Muahahaha). But STILL!

In any case, Izaya wasn't stupid. In the first place, to be half the aforementioned things he was, he had to be smart. Conclusion? "So you're not a person."

Evidently that wasn't a finale that Izaya had expected or wanted. He blinked a couple times (probably marveling at the utter stupidity of the notion), and for a few seconds really didn't know how to react. Finally, voice set to a slightly annoyed note. "Kanachii. I'm human."

"But all humans are stupid." She said absentmindedly, deep in thought. "But I don't think you're stupid. But then you're human. I don't get it."

"It's simple. I'm a human who's smart. In other words, I'm an exception."

"So you're an exceptionally smart human?"

"Yeah. Pre-tty much."

"But...but just because you're smarter than stupid people, it doesn't mean you're smart. I mean, you can still be stupid." Kanae offered reasonably. "But does that...does that mean you're a stupid person that's not stupid so you're not a person. Eh? Wait, if you're a stupid person that's not stupid, then you're still a stupid person because you're stupid."

Izaya confusedly stared at her. "You lost me."

"You don't? So then you really are stupid-"

Smiling very, very, VERY widely, and perhaps very, very, VERY strainedly, Izaya put a hand on her head. And pulled her hair. "I'm not stupid."

"Ouch. Geh. Hurts." Kanae flailing helplessly as Izaya tugged delightedly on her hair. "Stop pulling!" Instead of doing so, Izaya's grip tightened, consequentially ripping a few strands straight from the roots. "Bastard."

"Watch your language now, Kanachii." He laughed rather psychotically, leisurely twisting his hold and completely ignoring how Kanae looked ready to murder him in his sleep. Or awake. Awake was actually sounding pretty good right now. "I think I sort of understand the beauty of sadism now. Kanachii, you look a lot cuter when you're in pain, you know?"

She was seriously ready to cry now. Or, more like rip out Izaya's organs and nail them to the wall. Eh, same thing. "I just wanted to make sure that you know you're not a huma-"

"I told you already, I am human!"

"...ow. Let go."

"Oh suck it up, Kanachii. It's just a couple chunks of hai-"

"Go rot in hell, Izaya san."

"Well, you can call this payback for having possibly lowered my IQ with your weird arguments. I can't even think straight anymore."

"Since when were you straight in the first place, Izaya san?"

That continued for a while. Until-

"Is this place filled with _idiots_?"

Izaya and Kanae both stopped, and then looked up to find a long haired lady in a green shirt standing in front of the desk, staring at them with a very wry expression of disbelief. Kanae took the chance to duck out of Izaya's grasp and clamp her teeth on his finger.

"Ow! What are you, a leech?" Izaya automatically kicked her, and unfortunately she didn't let go, so she ended up pulling him out of his chair. They landed in a crumpled heap.

The woman was still staring, clearly wondering what sort of madhouse she had just set foot in. "Perhaps I should come at another time."

"No, that's fine." Izaya winced, picking himself up and dusting off his shirt before dropping back into his office chair with a slightly tired sigh. Clutching her aching head, Kanae peered up clumsily and noted with a great feeling of vindication that Izaya's hair wasn't looking to smooth either. Karma's a bitch, but it's such a nice bitch if on the right side.

The long haired lady glanced down at Kanae curiously, perhaps wondering why she wasn't getting back up. Kanae gestured surreptitiously to where she was busy tying a long tear on the edge of Izaya's pants around a table leg. The lady raised an eyebrow, and said nothing.

"So Yagiri Namie san, is it?" Izaya said, resting his chin on folded hands as he examined her with mild interest. Kanae wondered if it was the same Yagiri as from the pharmacy email. "Nice to meet you. Hope the info for the illegal immigrants is helping you."

So Izaya dealt with human trafficking too. At this point in her acquaintance with the man, Kanae really wasn't surprised anymore.

Curtly nodding, Yagiri Namie reached into her purse and pulled on a small photo, slamming it on Izaya's desk. Izaya and Kanae both peered at it curiously. It showed Namie, looking distinctly happier than her cross self at the moment, standing next to a tall boy in a middle school uniform. "I'll cut the chatter. Please locate my younger brother immediately."

What the hell? Kanae shot a glance at Izaya, who for once seemed equally surprised by the request. "What do you mean?"

"He hasn't answered his phone since last night."

Well, glad to know she cares so much about her little brother. Kanae reflected her own dismal family situations; once she was in a hospital for a week, after having accidentally fallen through a window on the second floor. Her parents found out about it three weeks later, when the hospital bills came in.

But still, one night didn't seem like a big deal.

Izaya seemed to think the same, and he told Namie, who angrily dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "He's with a girl. A girl with a scar around her neck."

This was getting pathetic. Kanae sneakily tugged on the hem of his pants, and whispered "I didn't know you were involved with saving people too." She thought Izaya directed his businesses solely around making people miserable and selling their organs on the black market or something.

"I'm not." Was the deadpan reply.

"Then...then why's that lady asking you to-"

Izaya shot Namie a quick glance, and not so inconspicuously ducked down next to Kanae. "She said she had something urgent for me. She's involved with illegal human experimentations. How was I supposed to know it was going to be something like this?"

"I thought you were supposed to know everything about people. So you really are stupid-"

"Please don't. I really don't want to go back to that conversation."

A clear of the throat, and Namie said dryly. "You do know that I can hear your little tête-à-tête perfectly well, right?"

They both looked at her. "We know. We just don't really care." Izaya supplied helpfully, sounding not at all ashamed because according to him humility was for the weak. "Well, Kanachii might care. But since she's about as significant as a cockroach at the moment, she doesn't really count. Did I introduce you guys yet?" He seized Kanae by her jacket collar and shoved her back up, holding her proudly like an oversized doll. "Namie san, this is Kanachii, or brat no. 1 if you want-"

Namie repeated blankly "...brat no. 1?"

Kanae hated the world.

"-Kanachii's really stupid, so unless you want to lose some brain cells, I suggest you don't talk to her too much. She's still cute to look at though, especially with her bandages on. If Shizu chan ever manages to kill her, I might just stuff and preserve her and hang her on my wall or something."

And that totally wasn't a traumatizing notion at all, Kanae decided as she flailed haplessly in place.

"Kanachii, this is Yagiri Namie. She's one of the section chiefs of Yagiri Pharmaceuticals, which just so happens to be slowly being absorbed and taken over by a foreign company. So that kind of sucks for her, but such is life." Izaya caught one of her thrashing arms and held her still impatiently. "Now now, mind your manners and say hi."

Kanae miserably stared at Namie, who seemed unsure as to how to react. Cringing as Izaya shook her insistently, she finally grumbled out "Hi...stalker brother complex lady."

"S-stalker?" Namie almost sputtered out, reeling at the accusation. Kanae didn't see anything to reel at. Here Namie was, hyperventilating over her brother who was most likely perfectly fine, while her family company was being killed off. Did all Ikebukuro denizens have priority issues? Because this was only slightly less sad than Togusa and his "car over own life" policy.

Izaya frowned pensively, and grinned. "Usually, I'd call that bad manner. But you gotta admit, Namie san. She's right."

Namie was pissed. "At least I'm not a pedophile."

"Eh? Are you calling me a pedophile?" Izaya blinked, pointed at himself bemusedly.

"Of course." Namie said snappishly. "How old is she anyways? Thirteen?"

Izaya rolled his eyes. "First thing, Namie san. Pedophilia and incest are both not exactly acceptable in social context, but I guarantee you pedophilia isn't nearly as bad. Second, Kanachii's seventeen, and I'm twenty three. Your brother is fifteen, sixteen around. You're twenty five. Sorry, but you really can't call me a pedophile."

Namie fumed as Izaya flashed her a charming grin.

"Anyways, let's move on." Not AT ALL purposely propping his legs on her head (damn you bastard), Izaya sat back down and turned to his computer. "I'll help you out this time, Namie san. Kanachii, get me some coffee. Lots of sugar and milk."

Kanae stubbornly glared. What was this guy, treating her like a slave? When Izaya didn't react, she sighed and trudged to the kitchen. She stopped in front of Namie and tapped her on the arm, pointing at the kitchen. Namie was confused.

"She's asking you if you want anything." Izaya called from his workspace. "She doesn't talk much to people she doesn't know."

"Oh, I'm fine." Namie gave her a clumsy pat on the head, and Kanae bristled a little at the treatment, but decided to simply stalk off. Namie watched her go. "Is that child...she IS a girl, right?"

"Kanachii?" Izaya asked, not looking up from his rapidly flickering computer screen. "Not really-" He ducked as a saucer was hurled at him.

"I'M FEMALE!"

Izaya clicked his tongue in annoyance as the saucer shattered into dust against the wall behind him. "Male. Female. Same thing. You'll start growing white hair before you turn thirty if you keep worrying about things like that, Kanachii. And you know that coffee set was really expensive."

"Fuck you." Was the distant reply.

Namie 'hmph'd and crossed her arms, quietly waiting for Izaya to finish his didn't want to stay here any longer than necessary; the two lunatics got along so well that they were really giving off some creepy vibes.

* * *

And the next day, he appeared at her school.

Kanae really, sincerely hoped that Izaya hadn't been lurking just beyond the boundaries of the school gates just because he wanted to drag her off to some mad activity, AGAIN. The second he spotted her he virtually hopped over with all the disturbing cheeriness in the world at his disposal.

"Kanachii, I almost forgot you went here too."

So he wasn't here because of her. Kanae couldn't help but be slightly relieved. "Why are you-?"

Izaya peered over her head for a moment, apparently searching for someone. After confirming that said someone hadn't shown up yet, he turned back to her. "I'm here on a little business. You'll find out soon enough, that is unless you want to leave right now. Not that I'll let you. If Shizu chan shows up now, I'd rather have a buffer with me."

Kanae furrowed her brows, and looked down, shrugging. "I don't mind. But...I'm going to get something to drink." She pointed to her left. "There's a tea shop over there."

"Get me something too. Anything's fine. But with lots of honey and tapioca!" Izaya called at Kanae's retreating back.

So when did she officially become his slave? Well, it was fine this time because she was going there anyways but now every time Kanae was sitting around on the couch looking bored, Izaya would somehow get her to do his housework and yes washing a demented information broker's laundry was really, really creepy. He tried to make her cook him dinner once. The result wasn't very pretty.

"Is this enough?" The clerk lady at the tea shop was starting to sound exasperated. Kanae stared at the cup in her hand, which was already half filled with tapioca. She shook her head.

Five minutes later and Kanae came back to the strangest sight, which was basically Izaya cheerfully hopping on some random biker like guy. He was talking to a girl in a white trench coat, probably a Raira student. Kanae remembered that girl pushing her down the stairs once. She snuck a poisonous spider into her desk and landed her into the hospital for a couple weeks. It was great.

"So as much as I'd love to make you my girlfriend, you're not really my type." He was saying, while the girl was looking even more freaked out by the second. "So can you please get out of my face now-Kanachii!" He brightened as Kanae tugged on his coat surreptitiously. "I was waiting for you. And please don't tell me that's mine." He pointed at one of the drinks in her hand, which was filled to the brim with tapioca and honey.

She shrugged, mumbling "You said..."

"You did that on purpose." Izaya complained, and before she could react, he snatched her milk drink instead. "I'm confiscating this as punishment."

Kanae angrily swiped at his stolen drink. Izaya grinningly held it out of her reach, and damn height differences. She couldn't even reach it on her toes. "Gimme!"

Fuming, Kanae kicked him. Or, tried to kick him. He caught her leg inches away from his shin, and seconds later she found herself once again being dangled upside down by the leg, while Izaya happily sipped on milk tea. He laughed at her miserable expression. "You're so cute, Kanachii. I'll let you have a sip later."

She made a face. "Izaya germs?"

"Yeah. It's like an indirect kiss, isn't it?" Kane made a gagging gesture. Izaya frowned thoughtfully, and he released his grip on her ankle, dropping her into a crumpled heap on the ground. Before she could fully recover, he was crouching down next to her, and shit his face was way too close to comfort. "Or would you rather prefer a direct one instead?"

He tilted her chin upwards, and good god he sounded almost flirtatious. Was he serious? Kanae literally had an internal panic attack as he leaned in just slightly more, that creepy grin still tugging at the corners of his mouth, and she could pretty much feel his breath brushing against her skin because he was that close and she didn't want STDs! She was too early to die from some gross Izaya disease caused by gross Izaya germs and-

Izaya paused. Someone tapped his shoulder. It was a lady wearing a yellow, cat eared motorcycle helmet. Kanae had retained just enough brain cells to realize that it was the rumored headless rider. She was tapping on a touch screen cell phone, and after she was done she showed it to Izaya.

_You do realize that you're in public, right? _

"Oh, really? I completely forgot." Izaya said innocently and flinched slightly as Kanae took the chance to knee him in the gut and scamper out of his reach. "But I don't remember PDA being illegal in Ikebukuro, unless things changed while I was away?"

_Don't tell me you were actually going to kiss her. _Was the wordless, yet strangely deadpan reply. _She's at least ten years younger than you. _

"Six." He corrected automatically, actually defending her age for once. For understandable reasons; even Izaya wasn't so keen on being labeled a pedophile.

Even without her head, the motorcycle lady seemed skeptical. _Are you serious? _

Kanae twitched. She picked herself up, glumly brushing dirt off her clothes. "I'm leaving." She mumbled, turning towards her house's direction, only to be caught by the arm and dragged back.

"You can't leave yet!" Izaya whined, hugging her tightly from behind and perhaps not really noticing that she was trying to stab his guts out with her scissors. "I need to declare my everlasting love for you, and how in the world am I going to do that if you leave?"

"Well...That's the point."

"Kanachii, you meanie." Izaya sighed, nearly squeezing every bit of air out of her lungs.

Kanae coughed, managed out a frustrated. "Y-you're doing this on purpose."

"Yep, pretty much. Did I tell you that you have no chest?"

A light cough interrupted whatever Kanae was going to shoot back at him (scissors, to be more exact). They all turned to the dumbstruck pair of high school students standing in front of them. One was a cute, bespectacled girl, looking slightly embarrassed. The other Kanae recognized as the Dollars founder that Izaya had pointed out days ago.

Izaya waved at the latter. "Yo, Ryugamine Mikado kun."

"...what...are you doing, Izaya san?"

"Isn't it obvious? I was trying to show physical affection to my future wife-"

"-I'm not your future wife-"

"-Too bad, I already forged your signature on the marriage certificates-"

"-You _what-?_!" Kanae stared in horror. Izaya happily held up said marriage certificates. "Th-that's not my signature. It's a squiggle! Squiggle!"

"Well, you don't have an official documentation with your signature, so as of the moment, they have no proof." Pause. "Though for insurance, I'd better break your hand. Or better yet, cut it off. You right or left handed? Hm, actually, better cut them both off, just in case."

Motorcycle lady made a snatch for the certificate. Izaya danced out of her reach and she facepalmed, typing rapidly. _That's it. I'm calling social welfare's child abuse sector._

Izaya busily dodged a frantic Kanae's reach (Kanae: God damn it, Izaya! I'm not marrying you!). "You don't have to go that far, Headless Rider. Besides, I'm not her legal guardian, so they can't do anything about me."

"Wait a sec. That person's a _girl?_" Ryugamine Mikado whimpered as Kanae shot him a look and withdrew a pair of scissors. "M-my bad, sorry. You're a guy after all-"

Guy? "I'm going to kill you-!"

Izaya threw an affectionate arm around Kanae's shoulder, tripping her onto the ground while he was at it. "Oh my bad. I forgot to tell you all. I'm gay. Kanachii's about as much of a girl as Dotachin-"

"Izaya san, go die." Kanae stabbed at his shoe. Missed, damn.

He ruffled her hair happily. "Well, since you asked nicely. But I'll be taking you along, of course. We can have a nice wedding in purgatory. Severed heads would replace the flowers quite nicely, don't you agree, Headless Rider?"

Motorcycle Lady almost succeeded in running Izaya over with her bike. Almost. Damn it.

* * *

Kanae clung a hand sullenly on the back of Izaya's coat. They, accompanied by one motorcycle lady, were quietly following Ryugamine Mikado in a manner that was not at all stalking and most certainly arrestable worthy, thank you very much.

Actually, scratch the quiet part. Izaya, being his Izaya self, was making ridiculous motorcycle imitations; no doubt a little ploy to mimic the Headless Rider's motorcycle, despite it being famous for having no audible motor sounding in the first place. Except for horse neighing, and she was quite sure Izaya wasn't imitating that. Well, Orihara Izaya never did make much sense anyways.

Every once in a while, Mikado would timidly glance back at them, and immediately squeak in fear as Kanae shot him a dead glare, before quickly turning back (though sometimes not quick enough; she wondered if he made a hobby of crashing into trash cans. The utter patheticness of it was very unsettling). So far, she didn't see the gang leader part of him. She gave Izaya a wry look, and he in turn smiled back at her slyly, as if he was aware of some humorous secret that she cared about. Which, chances are, she didn't.

They were halfway through a dimly lit tunnel when Mikado suddenly stopped. A moment of silence, and then. "Um, w-well." He stammered, and swallowed before turning to face them. His eyes darted nervously from Motorcycle Lady to Izaya and Kanae. "I-if you have any...any business with me, ca-can we settle it here?"

Izaya chuckled. "Oh, how generous of you, Ryugamine ku-"

He was cut off. Kanae resisted the urge to bang her head on the wall as Izaya's stupid superhero theme song excuse of a ring tone floated melodically out of his pocket. He sighed, shrugging before pulling out his phone. He waved a dismissive hand at Mikado and Headless Rider. "My business can wait. Have a chat with the Headless Rider, won't you?" He answered the phone, walking slightly apart from them and dragging Kanae along with him. "Ah, hello. It's good to do business with you again."

Kanae glanced back at the pair they left behind. They were talking, Mikado's back facing her. She could see his hesitant expression flashing in the reflection of the lady's motorcycle visor. Smirking, Izaya bent down and said quietly in her ear. "If you watch long enough, you'll see something interesting."

She looked at him again, but he was already chatting away on his phone. Infuriating asshole. Kanae turned back and grudgingly followed Izaya's advice.

For a minute, it was just talking. Mikado was shuffling around nervously the entire time, and like hell Kanae could tell what Motorcycle Lady was thinking. Kanae tried to look at Izaya again, and he roughly forced her head back at them. _I will kill you, Izaya. Just wait. _

Then, hesitantly, Lady put a hand on her visor. After another pause, she slowly lifted it upwards.

Kanae blinked.

There wasn't a face. Screw that, there wasn't a _head. _There wasn't an anything, except for some black smoke that oozed out, curling lazily in the air around the helmet before dispersing.

Izaya put a hand on her shoulder, seemingly delighted by her surprise. "You know what a Dullahan is, don't you?" He said. Not with reverence, but perhaps some undying fascination that wasn't far from it. So much that Kanae could barely tell apart. "A fairy, a mystical reaper that travels the path of death. That was always the strangest concept, isn't it? Death, I mean. It seems so far away as to almost make humans forget how inchingly close its existence always was. It'll never leave; it's something vague and omnipresent, and when it comes, it'll become even more eternal a reality than heaven and hell."

"You think...she's seen heaven?"

Izaya's voice was bright and rueful, cracked, maybe, as he shut his phone cover almost absentmindedly. "I wonder about that."

And it cracked. It was very brittle. Kanae breathed again. "Izaya san...you..." The words wanted to die in the back of her throat. They almost did, maybe almost caught somewhere in the back of her mind. Kanae blinked again. "Are you...scared of dying?"

The hand on her shoulder gave a quick start, before stiffening, grip tightening. Izaya's eyes widened just slightly, alarm flashing like children's lanterns in dark red retinas. It was split enough of a second, over quick enough for her to deem hallucination an entire possibility. And they were gone. His hand loosened. Kanae's shoulder felt sore from where his tasteless ring had dug in.

"Maybe. But not really for the conventional reasons." He threw a happy arm around her neck as Mikado and the Headless Lady made motions to continue walking. His smile was sickeningly sweet as ever, filled with the devil's promises of bitter candy with sparkling wraps upon death and destruction. Something like that. "I just want things, like every human being. I want to know things that I could never know with such simplistic methods as those bound by the morals and laws of the sanctimonious masses."

"..."

"But you're a little the same, aren't you?"

Something reflected light in his hand. Blade. Kanae's scissors. "Eh? Th-that was in my..." Her pocket was empty. How the hell did he—?

Izaya studied it leisurely, slender fingers sliding and prodding against the fine blades.

"Sometimes I wonder if you're the sweet little high schooler that everyone takes you to be." He said, innocuously knowing as ever. Bittersweet. Think dark chocolate, especially the dark part (though she wouldn't really label diabetes causing substance as innocuous). "Would you hate me if I said I knew more about you than what makes you comfortable?"

Kanae didn't get a chance to answer. The scissors were dropped back into her hand.

Brimming with his irritatingly egocentric confidence, Izaya pivoted elegantly and walked off after Mikado and the Headless Rider. He skidded to a messy halt at the end of the tunnel, right before the sunlight hit him, and he waited. Cheerily. Always cheerily. The fucking creep he was.

"...you're always uncomfortable." Kanae scowled.

"Is that so? You seem like you have so much fun with me though." Said Izaya, twirling carelessly on his heels. "Are you a masochist? You must be. I never thought anyone could truly have much fun with me, unless they worship me. Which many do, and can't say what they're experiencing is true fun. Do you worship me, Kanachii? I'd be a little sad if you did. I do want you to like me, but worship just doesn't seem your thing. If you do, then don't come. If I told you that, would you come? That being said, I want you to come because if you did, then it means you don't worship me after all."

And that glint in his eye was also decidedly devil like. The light caught in his eyes like that. Izaya always had things planned out. She wondered if he planned that light angle too. That would just be supernaturally weird.

Kanae sighed, and gloomily trudged after the lunatic humanitarian out of the tunnel, and made a mental note to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. Those soap operas she was watching was making her way too dramatic for her liking.

"I'm coming." She said irately. "So please stop hyperventilating, Izaya san. You're acting more and more like a girl."

Izaya clicked his tongue, and whacked her on the back of the head. "You're one to talk."

Who the hell in their right mind would worship this guy anyways?

That being said, Kanae kicked him.

* * *

**A/N:** More mind scarring, as per usual. It turned slightly serious in the last part (doesn't write serious much). It might not have been very fluid like the humor writing, so I hope you people made it through (alive). Thank you all for reading and reviewing! I'll go work on chapter six as soon as possible. First half of the storyline almost over.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** I'm back. Miraculous, I know. And just in case you all decide to spear me with plastic eating utensils for the horrible, _horrible _delay in this chapter, I bear excuses! Pointless ones-the longest bout of writer's block I've ever experienced in my life-so I'm just going to skip that and apologize. On the bright side, this is the longest chapter to date. It covers the last two and a half episodes of the first part of the anime, which is basically involving Kanachii getting picked on and screwed over by life. And Izaya. Enjoy~

* * *

Chapter 6

"Izaya san." Kanae tugged on his jacket as they stopped in front of a rundown apartment that literally looked like it had been dropped in from the archaic ages. How the hell did this Mikado kid still manage to pay tuitions for high school? Well, he did look unnaturally skinny, now that she thought about it. "Why're you following him?"

"Because I feel like it." He answered proudly, as if that answered all the questions in the world.

And no, it did not. Kanae twitched. "I'm gonna stick scissors in your stomach, Izaya san."

His eyes flashed maliciously at the threat. He grinned like the Cheshire cat. A very creepy Cheshire cat. Anyway. "Go ahead and try, Kanachii. I might accidentally break your legs though. Reflexes, horrible as they are. You know how it is."

Kanae knew she didn't have to elaborate on how she'd break his skinny _neck. _

"U-um, excuse me." Mikado swallowed, rather pale in the face as he shrank away from the intense aura sparking in between them like some dark electric fire of homicidal tendencies. "I-I, uh, want to go inside first. Just for precautions, so we don't scare her or anything." He turned to the Headless lady, glad for an excuse to get away from the pair. "Is that alright, Celty san?"

Celty, now properly identified, rapidly typed on her phone. _I understand. I'm counting on you. _

With a quick nod, Mikado climbed up the stairs to his apartment (a bit too quickly to be polite, but considering the circumstances you can't blame him) and disappeared.

Kanae glanced at Celty curiously. "You're a foreigner?"

She scowled as Izaya threw a friendly arm around her shoulders. "Of course she is, Kanachii. Are you that stupid? Well, yes you are. That's been permanently established already." He laughed, narrowly dodging as Kanae attempted to tackle murder him. She ended up tripping over thin air. Izaya snerked as she tumbled like a domino onto the ground. "Dullahan are from Ireland. You can just tell from the sound that the term 'Dullahan' isn't Japanese. Or are you just that terrible at—"

Her foot was inches away from destroying his reproductive abilities. Just _this damn close. _

Celty shoved her phone in Izaya's face, the screen angrily bearing _Don't pick on her. _

"But she was hurting me first!" Izaya protested in mock outrage as Kanae crouched on the ground, miserably sipping her (Izaya germ laced) tea that she had stolen back. "I'm shocked, Celty. I never thought you were the type to be biased on account of a cute face. And even if that were the case, I'm infinitely better looking than Kanachii."

_And as usual, you make absolutely no sense at all. _

In neat retaliation, Izaya threw a rock at Celty's motorcycle. In a very fancy manner. Think Dragonball Z.

Celty was not amused. _Throw a rock at my horse again and I'll make you pay. _

"Oh wow, that's a horse?" Izaya said in pure delight as he pranced over to jab some more at the bike. It made some odd neighing noise and he was much pleased. Which was to say, he poked at it even more, causing it to semi neigh in irritation. "Kanachii, Kanachii. This is so fun! Wanna join me? You can brag about how you tortured a headless lady's horse disguised as a bike! How many little brats like you can do that?"

Kanae rolled her eyes. "I'd rather poke you instead." She waved her scissors around in confirmation. "To death."

"Che, party killer as usual." He sighed in defeat before jerking his attention to the apartment. "Ryugamine kun's sure taking his time, isn't he? I'm almost afraid he had forgotten us and left us here to grow old and lonely. Ah, not that you have to worry about that, Celty."

Celty shook her head at his idiocy, before sparing a look at a cleaning van parked nearby.

"What's wrong?"

_It's just strange that a cleaning van would be here at such an old place like this. _

Kanae peered at the van, just as Celty gave an epiphany start.

_Mikado! _

Celty and Izaya ran up the stairs before Kanae could comprehend what was going on, and with much courtesy, Izaya barged through the door. Scrambling disorientedly after him, Kanae peered under his arms, only to find Mikado being held to the floor by two capped men in cleaner clothes. They quickly backed away when they saw the new arrivals, rapidly retreating towards the window.

Kanae tugged at Izaya's arm. "Can I rip their throats out?"

"No, Kanachii, you can't. The paperwork's going to give me a headache."

"It's a necessary sacrifice." Kanae messily held out a handful of scissors in homicidal preparation, only to be dragged back by the hood. Boo.

The two men took the chance to jump out the window.

Celty began running out of the apartment to go chase the men. The van was already speeding away, and Celty made for her motor-horse.

"Wait." Izaya called from inside the flat. "You don't have to chase them. I know who they are."

_What? Who are they?_

"Hm." Izaya made a great show of pretending to think. "Let me see. It's that van, where have I seen that van?" Just as Celty was about to pummel him, his expression lit up. "Ah, I remember now. They're from Yagiri Pharmaceuticals."

Slowly picking himself up from the floor, Mikado stared at the informant in a daze. "Yagiri...Pharmaceuticals?" He repeated dumbly.

"Yup, it's a pharmacy company that's this close to being absorbed by a foreign company." Izaya chirped. "Just because one of their chiefs is a pedophilic," He was still bitter about being called a pedophile. Kanae could tell. "Brother complexed sort of character, and you can imagine what would happen to a company lead by that kind of person, right?"

"Izaya san, that's too harsh."

"That's because I'm not a pedophile." Was the smug answer and yes, the guy really knew how to hold a grudge.

Poor Namie.

Kicking Izaya's leg for good measure, Kanae turned back to Mikado, who was busily engaging in some strange activity, armed with both his cell phone and his (expensive looking and out of place) computer. His screen was on a page that had a suspicious resemblance to the Dollars website. He rapidly typed in the password.

Izaya chuckled as he watched Mikado at work. Celty looked at him, and then at Mikado. _Hey, what's he doing? _

"Dollars?" Kanae said questioningly, standing on her toes to peer over Mikado's head.

"Seems like it." And only Izaya could sound impressed AND smug at the same damn time. This guy really wasn't human after all. "Though I had my doubts at first, but..." And smug he was. "I guess I'm right again, as per usual. You know, I'm so smart. I should really start my own church. But I already have a cult following, so maybe I don't need one?"

Kanae kicked him in the shin. "Please shut up, Izaya san. You're being noisy."

Izaya rammed his fist against the top of her head, smiling innocently as Kanae flinched. "Ah, did you say something, Kanachii? You need to speak up, because all I heard was blah, blah, BLAH. Or could it be that's what you really were saying? I wouldn't be surprised, considering the limitations of your mind—"

Celty face palmed (well, in her case, helmet palmed) as Kanae not so subtly attacked him via football tackle. Minus a couple hundred pounds and plus some scissors. _You should seriously consider a psychiatrist at this point now._

"Who're you talking to?"

_THE BOTH OF YOU! _

"I'm not insane." Kanachii managed to protest before Izaya cheerily hugged her from behind to organ crushing extents. She coughed, horrified as he accidentally (though this was Izaya; maybe not accidentally) knocked over her milk tea. She struggled harder, and clipped him in the chin. Izaya's arms loosened, and she took the chance to scramble away from him again. "I'm going to kill you, Izaya san. Please hold still."

Before Izaya could grace the not so empty threat with more snark, Mikado's soft voice suddenly came up. "I'll let you meet her." They glanced at him as he stood up, calmly flexing his fingers as he checked his screen one last time. There was a distinct note of confidence in his tone now, and when he stared back at them, his face had lost its confused quality. Creepy android kid, probably. Kanae wondered what it would be like to dissect him. "The girl with your head, Celty san. I'll let you meet her."

Oh, so this was what they were looking for. Way to inform her with the specifics.

Celty was dumbstruck. Her hand hitched as she typed. _How?_

He smiled in a knowing manner, as if privy to some little secret. "I've always wanted to live a different life. And with Dollars, I..." He gestured to his computer, almost affectionately. The kid needed a girlfriend. Or maybe a pet rock. Ebay should have some. "I managed to. I'll let you meet her, Celty san. But..." His face was set with determination. "I'll need some help—"

"Can I go home now?"

With all the grace in the world, Izaya merrily kicked Kanae's legs out from underneath her.

* * *

**Nighttime**

"Sorry." Was the first thing that Shizuo said as a very confused Kanae stood in front of him.

With her shoes super glued to the ground.

No, really. The bottom of her favorite pair of shoes were _superglued _to the damn ground. Courtesy of, and damn it Izaya! So he needed something to distract Shizuo so he can wander around this place without the looming threat of being nailed in the head by a vending machine. It doesn't mean he should just grab the nearest thing (in this case, Kanae) and use it as sacrificial bait for a rabid bartender.

At least he didn't have to _superglue her shoes to the ground _to make sure she didn't run away. Where did the pissass jerk grow up in? Soviet Russia?

But in any case, "Sorry?"

Fumbling uncomfortably with his cigarette, Shizuo shrugged with fake carelessness. "I mean, about the incident last time."

Kanae thought for a second. Oh right, recap moment. Convenience store. Cell phone. Izaya being an untimely bitch. Kaboom. Suddenly no convenience store. Right. "Oh." Then. "You're not mad?"

He glanced down, a hand holding a lighter to the tip of his cigarette. "Hn? 'bout what? Oh, about the stupid flea?" He chuckled and waved the matter aside, as if batting away some annoying bug. "Don't worry about it. That asshole knows about half the damn city population. If I start blowing my top on every single person he knew, I'd probably be in jail by now. I guess that time it was just his _fucking annoying _voice that got me."

Nodding blankly at his words, Kanae tugged experimentally at her feet. They didn't budge. She was going to have to Izaya where he got this stuff. Right after beating him up.

"So you're alright?" Catching her perplexed glance, Shizuo muttered. "About last time. I mean, it was my fault—"

She crouched down to pick at the dried glue caking the soles of her shoes. Damn, it was hard as rock. "Shizuo san, I don't think it's as big a deal as you think."

He blinked dumbly behind his shades. "It's not?"

"It's because you're not a bad person." She offered tonelessly, standing back up.

Pause. Shizuo self consciously shifted. "You think?" He asked awkwardly.

"It's a given, undeniable fact. So I don't have to think."

"I don't get told something like that very much."

She looked at Shizuo. There was something close to surprise traced in the handsome features of his face; almost unnervingly innocent, as if he had been expecting some stupid declaration of eternal hate instead of, well, whatever obscure category her statement fell under.

What? Was there some tacit social norm that dictated an angry response for being nearly killed because of her cell phone's contact list?

Shizuo glanced away, blowing a stream of smoke out into the cold air. "I've had this annoying strength for most of my life. I've never been able to control it either, so I always ended up wreaking havoc wherever I go. Especially in high school."

Ah, she could imagine that. Again, why the _hell _was Raira still standing?

"I guess before I knew it, people became scared of me. I can't blame them. I'd probably be scared too, if I met someone who could kill me at any moment. I sort of got used to it." He shrugged uneasily. "But you know, sometimes it gets a bit, well," He drifted off as he saw that Kanae was staring aimlessly at somewhere in the crowd. He sighed, shaking his head. "Sorry, rambling. I guess you got bored—"

"I was listening." Kanae interrupted, and if Shizuo had better hearing, he might've picked up some offense in her tone. "I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"That you're sort of brave."

"Brave?"

"In fact, it's not just sort of. I think you're very brave. To the point where it's amazing." Kanae said. "Because you can still form bonds with people even after being rejected so many times. That's why you're brave. And cool too." She raised a finger knowingly. "It's like a drama hero."

Shizuo blinked, and then spun away in clumsy embarrassment. "How the heck can you say something that cheesy with a straight face?"

She was affronted. "It's not cheesy. It's just true. You're probably more complicated than being brave and cool, but I got a bad grade in Japanese, because I don't know how to use words, so I'm just going to say you're brave and cool." She noticed Shizuo's staring. "W-what? The Japanese teacher is bad. He said I was short."

"But you are." He pointed out courteously. And before Kanae could attempt a nigh close kamikaze attack on him, Shizuo put a hand on her head. He smiled. "Thanks."

Glaring at him for a moment, Kanae glanced sideways and mumbled moodily. "It's just the truth. It wasn't supposed to be comforting."

Shizuo laughed, cheerily clapping her on the back. She would've toppled over if her feet weren't still glued. Was there a crack in her ribs, or was it just her imagination? "You just can't stand the idea of doing something good for a change, can you?"

"Being evil isn't bad." Kanae grumbled. "Like in anime, and manga, and drama—"

"It's not good either." A new voice chimed happily from behind him. Kanae twitched. That _accent. _

Blowing out a neat stream of smoke, Shizuo glanced behind his shoulder and nodded. "Yo, Simon. What brings you here?"

The broadly smiling tout gestured to their surroundings, a thick stack of flyers clutched in his hand. Why was this guy still working when Russia Sushi was practically on the other side of Ikebukuro? "What everyone else is here for, of course. Aren't you excited for the big event, Shizuo?"

"Not really. I had nothing better to do."

"Don't be like that, Shizuo! See, even your friend, uh," He paused, and improvised quickly "brat no. 1—"

"IT'S NOT BRAT NO.1! I'M KANAE! YAMATO KANAE!"

Simon continued without skipping a beat. "Ah yes, Kanae is happy." Happy? HAPPY? Can't he just feel the aura of utter misery and desolation radiating from her like nuclear waste? Was he immune to all negativity that wasn't within a one inch radius of him?

Shizuo coughed awkwardly. "Uh, sure."

Before Kanae could commence operation "kill two of the strongest men in Ikebukuro via household appliances", she felt something vibrate inside her pocket. Reluctantly lowering her scissors, Kanae pulled out her phone. It was a text message. She looked at Shizuo, who was busy arguing over Simon about, uh, the meaning of life, it seemed. It was when Shizuo politely began attacking Simon with an ill gotten motorcycle that she felt it was safe enough to check the text.

_-Kanachii! Preparations are through. Get to the side of that tea café for me. The one with the balloons in the front. I'm waiting for you there.-_

_-I'M GLUED TO THE PAVEMENT, YOU BASTARD- _

-_That's what the dentist drills are for. Oh wait, never mind. They're in my pocket. I must have forgotten to give it to you-_

_-I HATE YOU-_

_

* * *

_

**Ten minutes later**

"So," Izaya began, raising an eyebrow as he glanced downwards. "Pikachu socks." He was amused. "For a homicidal sociopath, you have surprisingly cute hobbies, don't you?"

Trying her best not to feel utterly mortified, Kanae crouched down, miserably hiding her Pokémon themed socks from prying lunatic humanitarian eyes. Of course she had to ditch her shoes? How else was she going to get anywhere with them cemented to the damn ground? Why did she choose today of all days to wear this pair of socks? No, they're NOT her favorite pair! Shut up!

Being his usual kindhearted self, Izaya put much effort in cheering her up; which sort of translated to dumping milk tea on her head. The bastard.

"Anyway, moving on." He grinned. "You know you should be grateful. I called you in before you missed the good part."

"Good part?"

"Wait a bit and you'll know what I mean."

Seconds passed by. Then minutes. Half an hour later she was pretty much ready to leave and go replenish her tea supply because most of her drink was currently dripping all over her and this whole thing was getting stupid, stupid, stupider than it already was and she had better things to do with her life than accompany some stupid informant on his crackpot schemes and yeah, she was going home.

Izaya, being, well, Izaya, obviously didn't let her. "Kanachii, you're leaving right when it's starting." He laughed, happily wrapping his arms around her from behind. Ignoring threats of castration and whatnot, he spun her to a certain direction. As in, the certain general direction where one Ryugamine Mikado was standing in an empty whole in the otherwise dense crowd and how the hell did he pull that off? Telepathy? Was it telepathy? Esper?

Seeing no other choice, she glumly watched. There was a green shirted lady walking up to him. She looked familiar. Kanae tapped Izaya's shoulder. "Who's that again?"

"Yagiri Namie."

Silence. "Who?"

"The brother complexed pharmacist." He added by way of accurate description.

Kanae paused. She almost brightened. "I remember now. Uh, it's the one who likes to hyperventilate for no reason and ended up ignoring her family's company in favor of her brother who doesn't need t he attention, thus causing the family business to go die?"

Izaya grinned, fondly hugging her. "That's the one. You have such a good memory, Kanachii. I'm jealous."

"Izaya san, if you have a particular death you want to die in mind, I take commissions." Kanae said, voice muffled by Izaya's arms as she flatly held up her scissors. "And _get out of my personal bubble space you bastard!_"

"Don't wanna. It's because you're cute. You remind me of my dog."

Kanae floundered. "You don't have a dog."

"Now I do." Izaya said proudly. "I'll get a leash for you next time I pass by a pet shop. You like pink?"

"DO YOU WANT TO DIE THAT BADLY—"

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Kanae paused. It was her cell phone. No way. Her cell phone just rang. As in it rang. It _rang. _And it wasn't Izaya, was it? No, he was right here, busily murdering her by way of asphyxiation. Which means, her cell phone just—

"I get the point, Kanachii. Kindly stop hyperventilating." Izaya cut off dryly as he pulled out his own phone, which was also ringing its incessant superhero theme song. He flashed her a sly smile. "Why don't you check out the note that Ryugamine kun sent us?"

Reluctantly, Kanae stared down on the small message pop up on her phone screen. It was from the Dollars administrator, which was apparently Ryugamine Mikado.

-_The people who aren't looking at the text on their phones right now are our enemies. Don't attack them. Simply stare at them-_

She furrowed her eyebrows, and tugged Izaya's sleeve. "I'm not a part of Dollars."

"Well, that's true." Izaya said, clicking buttons merrily on his own phone as if preoccupied with changing the results in the Russian presidential elections. Which, sadly enough, might be a remote possibility. "But you're my cute little partner in crime, after all. I think tossing your email in is completely warranted in this case."

Sighing, Kanae shut her phone lid. "I don't need more enemies." Let alone brother complexed human trafficking pharmacists. "Since I already have a lot."

"Oh? And since when did an insignificant shrimp like you have people after your blood?"

"Because of my dad's stuff." She explained. "He sent a lot of random people to jail. So I get kidnapped a lot. Well, attempted kidnaps. They never really work out, because I usually manage to escape—" It was then she noticed Izaya staring at her rather oddly. "W-what?"

The informant blinked, and then shrugged. "Nothing. I was just wondering, how a little girl like you, who's picked on regularly at school, can actually escape from what I assume are full grown men, who may or may not be armed and trained. It's a bit surrealistic, isn't it?"

She squirmed. "I'm not really picked on at school. Well, sort of. I mean." Pause. How should she put things? "I trip down the stairs, get knocked out, wake up," Another pause. "And then I get laughed at. People don't beat me up though, but I think being laughed at counts as being picked on."

Izaya twitched. So in the end, all her injuries were actually self-inflicted. He wasn't sure he understood this kid. "How do you trip down the stairs so much then?"

"Oh, that's because it's after math class. I get sleepy."

This conversation was getting stupider by the moment. And Izaya moved on. "Alright then. Back to the original topic. How do escape professional, trained men who are probably three times bigger than you and have guns jammed up every inch of their sleeve?"

This took a while to answer. Finally, she supplied helpfully "I'm fast."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, very useful for a scrawny little brat like you. Here." He held out a hand. Kanae stared at it. "Come on, Kanachii. Arm wrestle."

"Oh." Kanae reluctantly took his hand. She held it blankly, and stared. "Do we start now?"

1.67 seconds later.

Winner: Kanae

Izaya was in mild shock. Or possibly suffering post traumatic stress disorder, but with Izaya, you can never tell the difference. Though maybe nearly having his wrist broken by a little girl had something to do with things. But seriously, he could hardly budge her hand half a millimeter. Did she never use her full strength when she tried to kill him? Well, understandably, she wasn't really trying to do him in, but still! It was unnerving. "Kanachii? Why did you never tell me how strong you are?"

She was slightly surprised. "Izaya san, you never noticed? Um, I guess I never had to go on offense. But there's a reason why I can take being hit by Shizuo san so many times and survive."

"But if you're that strong, you shouldn't be getting hurt as much as you are."

"I don't get hurt much." Kanae pointed out. "Just when I'm with you. And Shizuo san." Then, as an afterthought. "And staircases."

Holy shit, staircases aside, she had a good point. Izaya groaned, the utter mortifying mix of regret stewing up in his guts. To think that he's been hanging out with such a terrifying little twerp for so long without realizing it. It was horrifying.

Kanae didn't help things when she relentlessly began to point him. "Izaya san? You look like you're in pain."

He wanted to hit his head on something. "Kanachii, how could you betray me?"

"Huh?"

To Kanae immense confusion, Izaya grabbed her by the shoulders and began shaking her violently. "You made me miss so many opportunities! If I had known how strong you were, I would've driven you into so much more slave work than I already did, like robbing banks, and retrieving illegal goods from the yakuza, or assassinating Shizu chan."

And that statement didn't inspire regret in her at all.

Plus didn't he know how to be more subtle? It wouldn't kill him to exercise some actual human decency once in a lifetime. And if it did, well, all the more reason for him to do so.

With a long suffering sigh, Izaya let go of her. "Well, it's all in the past now, I suppose." Comfortingly wrapping arm around her shoulder, he dragged her into a very creepy hug. "It's alright, Kanachii. You still have time to repent."

"For what—"

"I'll make sure to work you to death from now on. No pay, of course. You can call it volunteer work, if you want."

No response. Then Kanae subsequently kneed him in the stomach. "I'm going home." She turned and ran off before Izaya could recover.

So, now what will she do? It was nighttime already, but still pretty early. Her schoolwork has been piling up recently, not that that was much of an issue, since she had already slacked off enough this year to make the damage to her grades irreversible. The only issue was that her teachers will start yelling at her for not having her work done. It's really hard to fall asleep like that, so it was annoying. Maybe she should bring earplugs next time.

Her parents were probably still home right now. But she was sleepy. Maybe she'll find another empty building to sleep in. Even if she drank all the milk tea in the world, the caffeine wouldn't be able to keep her awake.

Maybe she should go get her shoes back first. Now that she thought about it, if Shizuo was still, he could pry apart the concrete that her shoes were stuck to, and she could go home and remove the rest of the scraps. In any case, the stares she was getting for her socks was starting to annoy her. Not that she liked to rely on her parents, but maybe with her father's connection and her underage status, she could get away for bloody murder.

It was when Kanae was walking past the Sunshine City building entrance (why were there weird men in suits swarming the place anyway? Was she barging in a movie set or something?) when she began noticing some strange voice echoing in her head. To be accurate, a strange voice saying stranger things.

_I know I'm a monster._

_I have no head. _

_I have no mouth. I have no nose. I have no eyes. _

No head. Kanae internally wilted. It couldn't be. And why did it sound so close? She didn't really see any headless horsemen particularly near her location. Or maybe she was just going insane. That or Izaya inserted some tape recorder in her brain when she was asleep and was now playing it to screw with her.

_But so what? _The voice resounded painfully, knocking out all other thoughts in Kanae's head.

_So what?_

_I exist! In this city, I exist. And all that matters!_

And that was fine and lovely, but Kanae really wished Ms. Headless lady wouldn't barge into her mind like that. It's very disconcerting, and speaking of which, why was there some screeching sound coming from above her? Sounded like a blade tip grinding against the side of the building, and Kanae hoped Celty knew she'll be receiving repairmen bills later.

Wait a moment, if the sound was coming from above, wouldn't that mean—

Kanae looked up. Just in time for one headless lady on a headless horse masquerading as a motorcycle to fall on her.

And just in case anyone was wondering, that really hurt.

* * *

_Twenty minutes later _

Izaya scratched his head almost exasperatedly, heaving a sigh as he squatted next to a possibly dead or dying Yamato Kanae on the ground. "Kanachii, I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you."

Blinking blearily through unfocused vision and the blood dripping down her head, Kanae stared up at the glowing skyscrapers stretching into the night sky. They weren't near Sunshine building anymore, Izaya having been actually kind enough to drag her away from where headless lady Celty Sturluson had been beating up guys in black suits. "...what...happened?"

"Headless lady Celty Sturluson was beating up guys in black suits in front of Sunshine City." Izaya provided easily. "She accidentally landed on you."

That doesn't explain how she was still alive, let alone conscious and in possession of most of her mind cells. Turning sluggishly, Kanae saw much of the Dollars crowd's attention directed to what was some strange dialogue between Mikado, Celty, the girl with Celty's head, and some weird tall boy with brown hair and a slightly unhinged expression. What a weird company. Never mind that though. She felt sick.

Examining her critically, Izaya propped Kanae up into a messy sitting position. "You're lucky your jacket's already black, Kanachii. I don't think any washing would get rid of blood stains like these." He grinned, and Kanae gave a muffled protest as he roughly wiped some of the blood off her face with a piece of tissue. "Well, it's a pity you missed the best part of the show. But I think it's about time they reach a resolution."

"Yo, Izaya."

That deep voice; it sounded like the Dotachin person. Izaya waved cheerily at his former classmate. "Hey Dotachin. It's been a while."

Kadota groaned. "Didn't I say not to call me that? Anyway," He gestured to Kanae, who was dizzily leaning against the side of a building, looking much like she was going to throw up. "Is she alright?"

"Never been better." Izaya generously answered for her, seeing that Kanae was busy dying. Dotachin shot him a deadpan look and Izaya merely laughed before returning his attention to Mikado, who was now standing alone. "By the way, I was wondering. Do you know where the gang name 'Dollars' came from?"

Kadota looked taken aback by the question. "I thought it was just Dollars as in, the money."

"That's most people's first impressions, but in reality it doesn't have anything to do with the currency at all." Izaya raised a knowing finger in Kadota's face. "This organization doesn't do anything._ Daradaradaradara. _The old saying. It just lazes around and lets the changes of the world define them."

"I'm a little surprised." Kanae spoke up rather tonelessly. Izaya and Kadota looked down at her. She was still awake, barely, and this close to hurling. "The Dollars website sounds like just another chat forum. Yet so many people came to this meeting. I wonder what's different about it."

Izaya brightened noticeably. He squatted down next to her. "Could it be you're interested? If you are, I already signed you up without your permission."

"I'm not interested." Kanae said flatly, and then the latter part of his words clicked in her mind. "Wait, YOU WHAT? G-geh." Oh shit, the yelling did it. Kanae paled, clapping a hand over her mouth. Seconds later, she turned and threw up all over the ground.

Kadota and Izaya winced. "Izaya, I think I could file for child abuse in this case."

"That was the second time someone told me that today!" Izaya protested. "She's not my kid!"

Before Kadota could answer, Erika and Yumasaki promptly popped up from behind him like spring puppets. "Did you see that?" They gushed simultaneously, faces alit with utter glee. "The fight scene and the headless rider! It's just like a scene out of a manga, isn't it?"

As if purposely adding the fire, Izaya said "The headless rider's part of Dollars too, you know?" Flashing the groaning Dotachin an evil grin, he skipped off to chat with Mikado, leaving him to listen to the otaku pair gush their excitement like broken fountains.

Sometimes, Kadota really hated Izaya. He looked back at Kanae, who despite her horrible condition, had managed to stand up rather lopsidedly. "You're a tough one, aren't you?" He watched as she waved frantically with her hand to convey some message. After she pointed to the mess she had made, Kadota figured that if she opened her mouth, she'll just throw up. Again. "Izaya's over there, in case you're wondering." He pointed casually.

The poor thing queasily nodded her thanks before stumbling after the Shinjuku informant.

Mikado gave a lurch of surprise when he saw her. "H-hey, are you alright?"

"She's fine—" Izaya stopped. He frowned, and the easily ducked behind Mikado.

"IZAYAAAAAA!"

The last thing Kanae saw was a red mailbox. Then it crashed into her and she saw no more. Izaya sighed as Mikado gave a startled yelp. "Alright, maybe she's not so fine right now after all." He shot the raging Heiwajima Shizuo a spare glance before bending down and quickly hauling a 100% unconscious Kanae under his arm. "Well, that's my cue to take my leave." He quickly began running in the opposite direction of the bartender. Right before reaching a corner, he spun around and gave Mikado a cheery wave. "Good luck, Tanaka Taro kun!"

It was after the informant disappeared when Mikado realized what he had just said. He choked on air. _K-Kanra san. _

Kanae spent the next three days in the hospital. Upon her release, Izaya offered his congrats by pushing her down a set of stairs.

* * *

**Ending note:** I lost track of how many times Kanachii was utterly killed in this chapter. I originally planned it to be only Shizuo's mailbox, but then I couldn't resist her getting squashed by Celty's bike. If that were really in the anime, that scene would be so much less dramatic. The next chapter and onwards take place during the six month time skip between part one and two of the anime. It's an original part of the plotline, so I guess it's planned so Kanachii's more of an actual main character rather than the resident and thoroughly abused chew tow. It's serious too. Lots of seriousness, I think. Anyhow, I'll try (TRY) to update sooner. Look forward to it!


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